The Will to Change: Men, Masculinity, and Love

This book changed my life- must read for everyone.

There's a lot in this book that I'm still unpacking, but just like All About Love, it has changed my life. Masculinity as taught by patriarchy affects everyone and shapes everyone for the worse, even soft-boy-good-guys

Holy shit, bell hooks was cooking from start to finish.

I think this book materialises a lot of my own thoughts, but on the other hand I didn't really like the harsh language used towards feminist women who do not share this view of patriarchy. When dealing with a heart-broken Hulk, it is entirely within reason to distance yourself instead of offering a helping hand, even if the former is certain to provide a better outcome.

2.5 Perplexing generalisations mixed with solid if not repetitive analyses of masculinity in the wake of centuries of patriarchal cultural propaganda. hooks calls for feminist blueprints for transforming masculinity including shedding the model of domination that frames all relationships as power struggles, extricating oneself from violently fragile identities yoked to the pursuit of external power, and building a whole, introspective, expressive, receptive self in partnership and interdependency with the earth and our communities.

I think this is a really excellent piece of feminist work. It sets up all its arguments, counter arguments, is very concise with its language while conveying its message in a few well explained paragraphs. However it did get a bit repetitive, both in using the same words/phrases continuously (like colluding) where it was unnecessary, as well as perhaps not being the most inclusive with its language. However, definitely have the a lot of the language to talk about masculinity/patriarchy issues in a way that would make sense to people unversed, for which I'm very glad I read this book.

I have mixed feelings about this book.

This is the second book I've read from bell hooks. The first, All About Love, was a revelation. I re-read it 3 times. I bought copies for friends. After seeing the title The Will to Change: Men, Masculinity, and Love, I immediately purchased a copy, excited to absorb more of hooks's wisdom.

Let's begin with the good: hooks presents a scathing critique of patriarchy. She outlines the ways it harms men, from emotional repression to higher rates of suicide and depression and “soul death.” Many passages resonated with me:

“There is only one emotion that patriarchy values when expressed by men; that emotion is anger.” (p. 7)

“No male successfully measured up to patriarchal standards without engaging in an ongoing practice of self-betrayal.” (p. 12)

“Boys learn to cover up grief with anger; the more troubled the boy, the more intense the mask of indifference. Shutting down emotionally is the best defense when the longing for connection must be denied.” (p. 50)

“Disconnection is not fallout from traditional masculinity. Disconnection is masculinity.” (p. 61)

“Workaholism is the most common addiction in men because it is usually rewarded and not taken seriously as detrimental to their emotional well-being.” (p. 158)

As someone assigned male at birth, I've often struggled to feel comfortable expressing my emotions. Much of the work I've done as an adult has been to reconnect with my body and allow myself to hear and express my own feelings. These quotes and many others resonated with me and encouraged me to continue that self work.

hooks eloquently explains how patriarchy harms us all: it spares no one, no matter their gender.

Now, onto the bad: past the first few chapters, the book is extremely repetitive. I did not learn much new. A book half this length could have twice the impact.

In attempting to counter the popular feminist narrative (of 2005) that men are all-powerful, hooks portrays men as eternally repressed and out of touch with their emotions, painting a picture at odds with my personal experience, which includes many loving, caring, emotionally-aware men.

Her view of parenting and dating is heteronormative. There is only brief reference to the impact of patriarchy in gay culture. No reference at all is made to trans people. Trans men lead very different lives from cis men and many trans men are uniquely poised to help further the dialogue about what positive masculinity can look like and how to manifest it. The book's omissions result in centering cis, straight men yet again.

When discussing families, hooks most often assumes a monogamous, heterosexual couple. Some discussion is made of single-mother homes, usually in the context of women furthering patriarchy through abuse of their sons. Single-father homes are not discussed. Non-monogamous relationships, communal living, and other queer family arrangements are not discussed, again missing the chance to explore a radically different and less rigid vision of a post-patriarchal future.

Late in the book, she claims, “anyone who has a false self must be dishonest. People who learn to lie to themselves and others cannot love because they are crippled in their capacity to tell the truth and therefore unable to trust.” (p. 154) This completely ignores closeted trans and queer people who may not be able to be fully honest and transparent with people out of concern for their own safety, as well as people who have not reached a point where they feel comfortable coming out to themselves.

In many chapters, hooks presents bold claims without citing sources, leading me to repeatedly annotate, “is this true?” in the margins. Examples:

“Again and again children hear the message from mass media that when it comes to sex, ‘he's gotta have it.' Adults may know better, from their own experience, but children become true believers. They think that men will go mad if they cannot act sexually. This is the logic that produces what feminist thinkers call ‘a rape culture.'” (p. 78)

“For boys this issue of control begins with the mother's response to his penis; usually she does not like it and she does not know what to do with it. Her discomfort with his penis communicates that there is something inherently wrong with it.” (p. 80)

“The popularization of gangsta rap, spearheaded by white male executives in the music industry, gave a public voice to patriarchy and women-hating.” (p. 129)

“If all men were in touch with primal positive passion, the categories of gay and straight would lose their charged significance.” (p. 183)

At a few points in the book, hooks blames pornography and ‘excessive' (e.g. non-monogamous) sex for furthering and reinforcing patriarchy. This may often be true, but porn and sex can also act as liberatory tools for men who have been taught to feel ashamed of their bodies. Instead of exploring the potentially positive uses of porn and non-monogamous, consensual sex, hooks casts them as universally negative. She fails to imagine a world in which individuals can be fully loving and devoted to a partner and still explore fulfilling sexual relationships with others. Even her use of the phrase “dominator culture”, though apt, overlooks people who engage in consensual dom-sub play in BDSM. Her tone veers uncomfortably close to slut-shaming.

In fact, at many points in the book, bell hooks seems to take a tremendous leap from progressive leftism to conservative fundamentalism, railing against Harry Potter, The Incredible Hulk, Power Rangers, The Matrix, sex, pornography, rap music, and more.

I admire what bell hooks attempted to do in The Will to Change, but she paints with too broad a brush, ultimately reinforcing many of the harmful stereotypes and roles prescribed by patriarchy which she tries so dutifully to avoid.