Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy

This is a wonderful book, and it will take an honored place on my small shelf of books recommended for anyone interested in an ethically non-monogamous lifestyle. That said, I'm glad I purchased the ebook as well as the Audible version, as I feel a need to go back and read it again with special attention to sources, tables, etc. I do hope that [a:Jessica Fern 20144014 Jessica Fern https://s.gr-assets.com/assets/nophoto/user/u_50x66-632230dc9882b4352d753eedf9396530.png] writes more, as she brings a lovely enthusiasm to her craft.

The authors spends a lot of time claiming to represent diverse perspectives in terms of sexuality and styles of non-monogamy (and patting herself on the back for it), but the book is very heteronormative and amatonormative.

The book really only resents the perspective of heterosexual, previously monogamous couples who have “opened up”. The author goes as far as to say that if you're having relationship issues with your partner (read primary and previously monogamous), the only way to solve them is to drop all your other partners at least temporarily.

This book is great if you're “opening” a monogamous relationship, otherwise it holds little value.

Interesting in the beginning. Nice explanation about attachment theory. Polysecure presented the four attachment styles as quadrants in a graph with two axis. I liked this approach better as it allows more flexibility and doesnt pathologize insecure forms of attachment so strongly. Then it presented the neat, but not so sure yet if that useful, secure base and safe haven concepts.

After these definitions, the meat of the book just wasn't all that interesting to me. As pointed out in some other reviews, the book felt a little non-diverse, which is specially sad when talking about the diversity of polyamory. Hierarchical poly and people opening up their relationship got a big representation. Even then, some suggestions made by the book just rubbed me the wrong way.

Language like "you won't believe the wonders 30 seconds of this will make" are also not my cup of tea.

In the end I'd recommend reading the first few chapters where attachment styles and boundaries are described and leave it at that.

very helpful in understanding my attachment insecurities with others & myself, i recommend this for anyone regardless of relationship structure & sexual or romantic orientation. there's a lot to be gained in your inter & intrapersonal relationships from the information & questions shared in this book

I finally finished reading this book. I really wanted it to be the first thing I reviewed on the shiny new blog, for whatever reason. So here we are! I had been hearing about Polysecure basically since it came out, but due to life circumstances and my very ADHD self getting distracted by a million other shiny things, it took me until now to read it. I have to say I wish I had read it immediately upon its release. It would have been SO helpful over the last year. I'm glad to have the information and insight it's provided now, of course - and I will highly recommend it to anyone and everyone who has the slightest interest in non-monogamy or polyamory either for themselves or just to understand the relationship dynamic and lifestyle of a friend or loved one.

If you want to read my immediate reactions to reading, you can see my status updates here. So many good quotes!

I was slightly put off when I realized the foreward was written by Eve Rickert, co-author of More Than Two. More Than Two's other author has come under a lot of criticism by his former partners and the nonmonogamous (NM) world in general for his abusive practices. I have not (yet) read More Than Two for this reason and I was hesitant to continue to read Polysecure when I saw Eve's name in conjunction with it - BUT! But but. She states in the foreward that she is aware of the harm that More Than Two has caused, and indeed she wrote quite a lengthy blog post about it that you can read here. For further perspective on the More Than Two saga scandal, I recommend reading this post from Polyamory for Us.

Polysecure is based on the attachment theory of relationships, which has become extremely popular on social media and in mainstream media over the past few years. As with any concept that gains widespread popularity there is now a lot of misinformation and misuse or misapplication of information surrounding it, which leads some people to want to throw out the concept altogether. Fern does an excellent job of relating the concepts of the theory in layman's terms and also of reminding the reader that it is just a theory. She also emphasizes that just because a person may have tendencies to one or other of the attachment styles, that does not mean that we should take on that style as part of our identity but that the categories and labels are simply tools to help us understand ourselves and our partners, and to help us on our growth journey to self discovery. It's also important to note that the book also gives recommendations and advice in good faith - that is, the assumption is made that all the people involved in a relationship are operating with the best interest of everyone else in mind, and are not engaging in toxic or abusive behaviors. This is not the book for working with a narcissist, for example. Mental health struggles are also not really addressed. So again there is an assumption of ability here, which is to some extent warranted. Mental health problems are not an excuse of a get-out-of-jail free card to be unethical in our relationship behaviors, but they do sometimes limit what people are capable of dealing with and the amount of energy they have to put into and navigate relationships. What is worth sticking out and working through for one person may not be for another, for a myriad of reasons.

I'm going to break it down by chapters - there is so much information here and I think that sometimes people will be coming to the book looking for something more specific than what the chapter headers can tell them. Also I realize that sometimes when relationships are under duress, we simply don't have the mental and emotional bandwidth to read through the entirety of a book like this one, no matter how accessibly written! So here we go. I'm including a quote that I found particularly good at the end of each chapter section.

Part 1 - the why and wherefore

Chapter 1

Buckle up - this is the longest chapter in the book, and it can feel like a total slog at times. Especially if you're not particularly interested in the psychology behind attachment theory! BUT. Please, please take the time and put in the effort to read this chapter, even if you skip chapters 2 and 3. It is worth it, and in my opinion is essential to understanding why later courses of action are recommended. It discusses all the different styles of attachment, and includes some checklists and questions to help you discover which one you might lean towards. There is also some substantial discussion on the origin of attachment theory and why despite obvious differences between the child/caregiver (the original attachment theory) and adult/adult relationships, many of the concepts are still applicable. An overview of each of the four styles (secure, avoidant, anxious, and disorganized) is given, with a short list of common ways they present as well as scenarios that could have prompted the development of them.

“We learn to self-regulate through our connections with our attachment figures...we have to figure out how to identify and articulate our emotional states and then find ways to self-soothe as a healthy response instead of pulling away, shutting down or lashing out in emotional reactivity. We also need to learn how to healthily rely on others and to figure out when it's appropriate to seek support from them to help regulate our emotions.”

Chapter 2

“Our boundaries are the ways we protect ourselves physically, mentally and emotionally. They are how we establish our sovereignty, as well as how we open ourselves to others. Our boundaries are the meeting point between ourselves and another - the point at which we can be both separate and connected.”

Chapter 3

“What happens when the same societal structures that grant men superiority also deny them the full range of human emotions and threaten their status as men if they experience even the slightest form of sensitivity, vulnerability or indication of their needs for love, emotional safety and tenderness (basically, if men admit to having any attachment needs at all)?”

Part 2

Chapter 4

“Love is not possessive or a finite resource; it is normal to be attracted to more than one person at the same time; there are multiple ways to practice love, sexual and intimate relationships; and jealousy is not something to be avoided or feared, but something that can be informative and worked through.”

Chapter 5

“...relying too much on the structure of the relationship to ensure and safeguard secure attachment instead of the quality of relating between partners to forge secure attachment. When we rely on the structure of our relationship, whether that is through being monogamous with someone or practicing hierarchical forms of CNM [consensual nonmonogamy], we run the risk of forgetting that secure attachment is an embodied expression built upon how we consistently respond and attune to each other, not something that gets created through structure and hierarchy. Secure attachment is created through the quality of experience we have with our partners, not through the notion or the fact of either being married or being a primary partner.”

Chapter 6

“Monogamy can buffer us from our own personal insecurities. These may or may not be attachment based, but can be rooted in relational or cultural traumas and anxieties about our achievements, looks, intellectual abilities, likability, etc. When we commit to a longterm monogamous partnership or get married, these insecurities may still show up now and again, but many of them get eclipsed by the very fact that we have someone who has devoted themselves to us, someone who we think will love us and stay with us no matter how pimply our butt gets, no matter how much our body changes or no matter how stained and worn-out our underwear becomes. In such cases our self-esteem and sense of self-worth are contingent upon our partner being monogamously committed to us instead of anchored in our own internal sense of self-worth, self-love and self esteem.”

Part 3

Chapter 7

“Our attachment figures might be the people we feel levels of connection, compatibility or intensity with right from the start for reasons that we just can't explain, or they may be the people with whom our romantic attachments have organically grown in potency and depth over time.”

Chapter 8

“Repair attempts are much more successful when there is a pre-existing relationship culture of understanding each other, expressing gratitude and regularly doing nice things for each other, which supports the relationship in being better able to withstand the inevitable storms.”

Chapter 9

“You are the source of your happiness, love, courage, emotional regulation and purpose, and the sooner you can release your partner from being the source of these experiences the better for everyone involved (metamours included)...You must be a priority in your own life. Secure attachment with yourself means being aware of your feelings and desires, as well as being able to tend to your own needs and knowing how to advocate for them in relationships.”

Chapter 10

“Love is infinite, but time and resources are not.”

A great book even if you don't personally feel like “poly” is a description that fits you very closely - I read it on a recommendation, because I never subscribed to the societal notion of relationships acting primarily as handcuffs, rather than an expression of everyone in it being there because they truly want to be.

The first part of the book reads like an academic paper - which I like, but in case you don't, do not despair - the second part has a lot of practical advice on how to develop your attachment patterns with one (or any number of) partners as well as yourself. If you are willing to introspect and work on yourself and your partner(s), you'll find enough advice to think through for a long time.

And at a minimum, you'll end up understanding yourself better. Something we can likely all benefit from.

3.5 ⭐️

I found the later sections helpful, but as a psych major most of the attachment sections felt repetitive and covered a lot of what I already knew. I also noted that the author had a fundamental misunderstanding of asexuality – Fern states “[they] do not engage in sex with others” and puts this group in the “high sexual exclusivity” category. Some asexual people have sex, some don't. Some basic research could have corrected this assumption. I do recommend this book otherwise, though; it contains a lot of helpful information and I'll be referencing it a lot in the future.

UPDATE, December 2023: reread because there’s an Attachment zeitgeist in the air; it has repeatedly come up in the past three weeks, in unrelated contexts, with friends from separate circles. This was by far the best book I’ve read on attachment, and damn, it still is. In the two years since I first read it I’ve practiced many of its recommendations (and, of course, neglected others). I’ve come to accept that much of my life is not fixable, but also that this is okay, that I still have the ability to become a better person regardless. Fern works from the premise that our primary relationship is with our Self. It’s not that everything else follows from that, just that our self-attachment is one crucial part of the system. This is a book for anyone who interacts with other humans in any degree. I realize the title will scare off some people, and that’s a shame.

Much has changed in the understanding of attachment since I first read Siegel many years ago; much has also changed in the acceptance and understanding of ethical nonmonogamy in the last few decades. This book starts off strong by assuming an informed reader, giving brief background while focusing more on new perspectives. It remains strong all the way through, offering respectful and insightful takes on presence, communication, relationship safety – what we all work on every day – and providing useful ideas on ways to look at challenges. Well-written, engaging, and mature.Four stars, adding a half because of the final section on secure attachment with Self, and rounding up to five because so much of it hit home so aptly. Much of this is material I know; but like all such, I just need to be reminded sometimes, or to see things a different way. And the clincher: I finished the book, and am writing this, one day after performing my every-year-or-two psychedelic tune-up, this time a solo ritual in the mountains with the intention (chosen months before even starting this book) of exploring my self-love. The final sections, which I read today, are giving me tools to work with.Like many of us, I am a work in progress; it has taken me a lifetime to learn to love better, and I expect it will take the rest of my lifetime to continue learning and improving. Much like planting the proverbial tree, the best time for me to have had this book was thirty years ago, but the second best time is right now.

very cool book with resources both for mono and polyam folk. extends on the attachement theory in a very helpful way including a very important chapter on creating a healthy attachement with yourself. plus a relationship book including nonmonogamy is just ♥♥♥