Pansies

[3.3] A former bully-to-lover story that I surprisingly enjoyed more than I thought I would. I believe kids can grow up to be very different people as adults, so the “former bully” part allowed me to proceed with my usual reservations at a lower setting.

This book is Alfie's redemption arc: recognizing the damage of his past actions, the tight hold toxic masculinity and internalized homophobia have on him even after coming out of the closet, and the life he truly wants to lead.

“She wouldn't understand, and he couldn't explain. How bad it felt to be a shock. To be an idea people had to get used to. To be a moment of hesitation. A flinch when someone touched you. A wariness in their eyes. How much it fucking hurt.”

ETA: Re-read updated version 11/17/24. I'm a little more uncomfortable with the “fall in love with your childhood bully” trope this time around; the past eight years have made me more wary of toxic masculinity. Alfie's disastrous DIY attempt will never not be funny though.
*****
I am in awe of Alexis Hall's command of the English language. It's as if each word were carefully chosen to have maximum emotional impact on the reader - whether that emotion is passion, humor, grief or anger. I rationed out this book over the course of a full week to savor it slowly, which is very unusual for a bookaholic like myself who usually inhales books in one greedy gulp.

Hall's most recent release, Looking for Group, frankly lost me with all of the gaming descriptions, but the only thing hard to understand in Pansies is a little bit of the rural English dialect. Alfie Bell has to be one of Hall's best MC's ever, newly out and proud but still not sure how to reconcile the gay lifestyle with the “man's man” he was raised to be by his father and brother. After a mind-blowing one night stand, he realizes he has just slept with Fen, the boy that he and his friends mercilessly bullied when they schoolmates. The journey from hatred to forgiveness and finally love isn't easy, and not just because Fen justifiably wants to put Alfie's head down the loo. Fen has other troubles that are not related to Alfie, and Alfie has a successful finance job back in London that is waiting for him. But the biggest challenge is figuring out how to become who he really wants to be: a decent bloke who belatedly realizes that his thoughtless bullying truly traumatized Fen, a gay man from conservative coastal South Shields who is terrible at DIY (the scene where Alfie tries to fix a hole in Fen's bathroom wall is hilariously disastrous), and ultimately a loyal, kind, generous guy who wants to take care of and come home to his lover every night for the rest of their lives.

Ever since Hall burst onto the M/M scene with Glitterland he has tried several different subgenres - D/s, gamers, steampunk - but I think when he just tells a simple love story he is at his best. Pansies is just lovely and possibly the best novel he has written to date.