My Dark Vanessa
Ratings315
Average rating4.2
This was such a difficult read. At times I found myself very annoyed with how coy and naive Vanessa was, along with how awful and irritating she was PB (post-browick (idk how you spell it)) It made me so angry to see how absolutely wrong and relentlessly pitiful she was. But it really isn't her fault. It's what she went through that made her this way.
I think it's safe to say I didn't like Strane, duh. Who did? At the beginning, imagining yourself as a young high school student with a super hot teacher, it's like scandalous and fun, until moves are made and then it's scandalous, terrifying, and incredibly illegal.
I think it's the fact that I cannot relate to almost any of this that makes me so irritated at nearly every point in this story. I am seeing it all from an outsider perspective, and it makes me want to pick up the entire story and throw it out a window. I wanted to scream, “How could you be so stupid?!” or “She's fucking 15! What do you mean!?” or “Yes that's fucking rape! Are you blind?” but she was. She was blind, in a way. Life and mind completely altered. Seeing everything through Strane-colored lenses, something I have the privilege of not dealing with.
I also hated every cliche younger Vanessa portrayed. It made me want to gouge my eyes out with a barbecue skewer.
But that doesn't mean you shouldn't read it. It deals with very important topics, and a very important perspective to things a lot of people slide under the rug.
This book is difficult to stomach, and could be triggering to some. Proceed with caution. 4/5
A reader who's been abused or is particularly vulnerable to the victim blaming and dismissiveness of abuse, should probably steer clear of this book. I think this book does a lot of things right. It very accurately portrays how a victim might dismiss their sexual abuse or ‘fall in love with' their abuser. This is a completely valid journey for a survivor to take. However, I will always believe that literature has power and it's intentions/purposes change the MINUTE it is released to the public. Every single reader has a different interpretation and personal experience. Because of this, I thought the book was one-sided in its language about victimhood and abuse. The voices that are meant to oppose Vanessa's thinking are just not loud enough, not impactful. And they were written like that on purpose. What I'm saying is that a reader teetering between “was I abused” or was I not, will read this book and be convinced that what they endured wasn't “enough”, that how they reacted to the abuse makes it not abuse at all. The book needs a CONSTANT voice of reason. I thought the therapist or Taylor might have been that. But their voices and their arguments do not stand against Vanessa's delusions about Strane and what she's been through. Again, I think this point of view is done WELL. The writing is good, the dialogue is believable, even the characterization is three dimensional. But I think this book has dangerous rhetoric and logic for the wrong readers. And to the argument that, “well this is how people think in real life”, I ask you, if someone said you were not a victim in real life, would you back down, say “valid!”? Harmful logic written down on paper is still harmful logic, no matter what merit the writing itself holds.
And to the argument that says, “well that's the books purpose! it's supposed to show an accurate depiction of someone who won't accept their own victimhood!!!”, i say, “so what?”. A speaker that says “you can't rape the willing” (because of their trauma) is still saying “you can't rape the willing”. And that type of language would make more sense if there was an interjection from an outside voice of reason. But again, there was none. We're left with “you can't rape the willing is a horrible joke but IT MAKES SENSE”. I mean lord.
I think the moment that solidified my dislike for this book was when Vanessa is masturbating to Strane talking about his new student he will, no doubt, sexually abuse soon. It is completely valid to stay silent on being abused because it is overwhelming and difficult for you. It is not valid to stay silent and not prevent potential abuse to other children. It is even less valid to get off on it. All of this to say, a victim is allowed to not think of themselves as a victim, but to use language that invalidates OTHER women's abuse and experience, is language that must be met with a sensitive, mature audience. I don't even think some adults should read this. I think some of the replies and reviews might show it well. ex. “I remember being 15. I know my 25 year old boyfriend didn't groom me”.
While all of this is frustrating, I can't say the writing is bad. I just think it wasn't handled with the upmost sensitivity. Even if an author is abused themselves (which I don't know, don't think its anyones place to ASSUME), that still does not change the impact of harmful language. A survivor can THINK they were not abused, but this book wholeheartedly (and constantly) assures us that our speaker couldn't POSSIBLY have been abused and takes 300+ pages to get to any sort positive conclusion. Again, I understand that this is a very true journey many people go through. I understand that some people suffer and dismiss it to cope. But I think our coping methods, if dangerous or harmful, should be kept to ourselves. It's as simple as that, in my opinion.
honestly, i had no idea what this book was about when i first picked it up but dear God, it was disgusting, terrible and downright cringeworthy but in a good way. like i hated it, but because of what the story implied. the ending was unsatisfactory though. perhaps the author wanted to make it realistic as possible but this was work of fiction, she could have given us some justice, she could have given vanessa some justice. what was the point of having him kill himself and escape all the punishment he deserved.
3.75
My Dark Vanessa ripped out my heart and then handed it back to me in shredded pieces. Watching Vanessa experience coming to terms with the fact that what happened with Strane may not have been the romantic whirl wind loves story she grew up believing it was tore me apart. It was so emotional and tragic to see everything unfold. Beautifully written, heartbreaking, and tragic. It feels wrong to say that I loved this book because the subject matter was so dark, but I loved this book. I devoured it. I couldn't put it down, all I wanted to do was read it and experience what happened next with Vanessa.
This book gave me chills. Men grooming young kids is way more common than you know.
I think this book was tastefully done, although I can see why this book would trigger some people.
As someone who was groomed by an older man at a very young age, I can appreciate Vanessa's perspective. I had no idea I was being abuse. It took a therapist weeks to get through to me what had happened. You are so well groomed that you still repeat the same things they told you to believe.
Vanessa handled things quite well even with all the self destructiveness she did to herself during the time frames.
The book follows two time lines, one when she was 15 and aging through school and college and the present day.
The book was well written and well researched. I do feel there was something missing. The pace could have been a little faster.
solid 4 star read
This was a hard but excellent read, You can't help feeling disgusted, but transfixed by the story. I like that everything didn't resolve neatly in the end.
This book delves into the intricacies of grooming, guilt, and the narratives we have to tell ourselves in order to survive our pasts in a deeply personal and realistic way. It felt like it dragged on a bit, but was otherwise a very strong story with a great statement on healing, denial, and grief.
The writing style was good. I did enjoy this book but wow was it dark and disturbing. I don't know much else to say about this one. Definitely check trigger warnings before reading and tip— if you didn't like Lolita, you won't like this one either.
How do you even begin to rate a book like this knowing there is a tangent of truth to it?
As a mother, this entire book is a nightmare come to fruition. I often had horrible night terrors of just this type of situation. Trying to wade through these haunting images and disturbing paragraphs was extremely hard.
I'm in such a foggy state after this I just want to curl up and disappear. Definitely need something uplifting after this as I feel so weighed down.
I suppose that's the point though right? Books like this don't always end with a hopeful or improved disposition for the one who is suffering.
If you decided to read this one...be prepared. It's not an easy read.
Beautifully written, unflinchingly told story of a talented high school girl's rape by her English teacher and the repercussions it has for her adult life. The story is told from the perspective of Vanessa, the young girl in question. For most of the novel, she sees her relationship with Jacob Strane as a love story, so it's difficult reading. The last part of the book brings some tentative relief, though.
I appreciated the discussion of Vladimir Nabokov's book Lolita which is embedded in the novel. Strane has Vanessa read the book as part of her grooming, and it remains a touchstone for her through college. Because the book is so significant for her, she brings it up in conversation, so other English teachers in her life have the opportunity to comment on Lolita and how to read it at different points in the story. It amounts to a mini-conversation about Nabokov's novel and how it is interpreted or misinterpreted/misused by its readers.
Overall, it's painful but well worth reading.
I will come back eventually to tell you why this book is 5 stars but right now I am just going to process the gravity of this read.
This was a difficult read. There were moments where I just wanted to fling my e-reader across the room and stop reading all together. But I knew I had to get through it. At first, it was because of the pay off— I wanted Strane to be brought to justice. I wanted her to let go of the pain and abuse he had caused her. But in the second to last chapter, I let go of all of that. She doesn't need to be happy in the end, this isn't a fairytale. She just needed to start healing. The first step is always the hardest.
Throughout the book, we had to see Vanessa go through abuse and gaslighting by someone she thought loved her. As she grew older, she truly believed that Strane was the only one who could love her the way she needed to be loved. He had made her believe that.
“To be groomed is to be loved and handled like a precious, delicate thing.”
Later in the book, “He worshipped me. I was lucky.”
When we see her in the “present”, her life becomes increasingly messy. I was angry at her constant avoidance and the excuses she made for Strane. “The longer I talk, the more confident I become, blaming myself, absolving Strane.” But she was just a child. She didn't know any better. In some ways, even in her 30s — she was stuck at fifteen.
The topic of victimhood and self-flagellation becomes this entangled mess throughout. Vanessa didn't see herself as a victim but a willing participant in what had happened. Which lead to her self-destruction over the years. “I'm not a victim because I've never wanted to be, and if I don't want to be, then I'm not. That's how it works. THe difference between rape and sex is a state of mind. You can't rape the willing, right?” The abuse and gaslighting she had gone through was just so ingrained in her being by then.
In the end, I didn't really need her to bring him to justice. I just wanted her to start healing from the abuse she endured. “There must be a point where you're allowed to be defined by something other than what he did to you. [...] I can imagine how it might feel to not be his, not to be him. To feel that maybe I could be good”
This book made me sick to my stomach. But I knew, from the very beginning, that I needed to see it all the way through. If there is anything to be gained from reading this book, it's this; Believe women.
This took me quite while to get into i'm not going to lie, it was very frustrating at times and Vanessa is a complex character. Strane is just disgusting and manipulative which is obviously upsetting making it difficult for me to continue reading. The difficult topics and amount of rape scenes and other abusive scenes made me want to throw away this book so many times but Kate Elizabeth Russell's writing style made it so hard to put down. The writing is beautiful and the way she explores this topic in her novel is amazing. My feelings at the end of this novel were very conflicted being that it was a lot to take in, but also getting a perspective on something I have never personally experienced was really eye opening. It was interesting to see Vanessa's outlook on how she viewed herself and everyone around her and how that affected the decisions she made in her life while enduring everything she was going through. This was a great read but I definitely wouldn't recommend this book to everyone.
This was so good.
It's like a modern day Lolita told from the perspective of Lolita. So, you can imagine it tackles pretty difficult subject matter, but I thought the author did it very tastefully, albeit explicitly.
The book follows Vanessa from the age of 15, when she starts a sexual relationship with one of her teachers, through her 30's. I found it fascinating, because as the reader you get to see the reality of what is happening, but then it's through the lense of a 15 year old girl who's been groomed to think this is love and romance and special.
I don't have personal experience with this type of situation, but this seemed so real. Especially the way she grew up to view her relationship and how the book ends. It all just made sense, even if it's not the happy ending you might want.
I listened to the audiobook, which was very well done, and at the end there was an interview with the author. I loved the discussion at the end and it prompted me to look up more interviews and discussions about this book. One thing I had totally overlooked that they brought up was how as a society we sexualize young girls, for example Brittney Spears, and how we are all complicit in allowing it. Just the examination of what is normalized in our society and the consequences of that was very interesting. Definitely a book worthy of a read and a discussion.
Dark book indeed. It's about Vanessa and her love for her teacher, starting at 15 and, well, never ending. He was almost 40, and as you read, the angst is inevitable, especially after she leaves the school - but not that point in her life. I can see why such a difficult book turned into something people love, because up to the very end I was completely involved with the horribleness of the train wreck in front of me.
i don't know how to rate this book in all honesty but boy does it live in my mind rent free
This book is disgusting. But it's also as close to perfect as words can become. You know going in that the content is going to be dark and difficult, but it's so much more than that.
She flawlessly shows the complex nuances of humanity. How we all create our own logic and find ways to justify it. She creates a clear illustration of how something that's so obvious to everyone around you can be the exact opposite of what's fact to you.
And as is the case with all great books, the writing is incredible. For a debut novel to be this polished shouldn't be possible. But she made it seem easy, obvious, natural to write so well. I can't praise this enough. And truly cannot wait to see what Kate Elizabeth Russell decides to do next.
About a teacher grooming his student. It was actually quite explicit which made it really hard to read. It made my skin crawl. It felt disturbingly realistic as well - apparently it's based on the author's past experiences. The ending did feel quite abrupt though.
This novel examines the effects of sexual and emotional abuse on a teenage girl by her English teacher, including her long-term attachment to her abuser, and feelings of guilt that her own decisions and desires were to blame. I understood the intended point, but unfortunately, it felt like a sort of fictional case-study of abuse and the effects on the victim/abuser, rather than a complex and engaging novel. Everything fits a by-the-numbers scheme.
Vanessa, a supposedly bright high school student and Strane, her teacher, simply fill the victim/abuser roles. They have no life of their own, and their relationship is lifeless, predictable, and flat. In order for me to buy into Vanessa's ambivalence, I'd have to feel the connection and tension between her and Strane. The predatory nature of Strane is transparent, obvious rather than left for the reader to discover. (Having him seduce her with a copy of Lolita is a little too on the nose.)
As individual characters, neither of them are well-developed enough for me to feel any anger, loss etc. Vanessa has little in the way of other interests or relationships. I can't empathize with how her life has been defined by the abuse because the author never shows the potential in her for anything else. We never see any of Strane's supposed charm or charisma. If he was popular and witty, someone who kids like and other teachers respect, there could have been some interesting conflict. Instead, everyone is suspicious of him and it's obvious that they should be.
I was expecting something deeper. The promised exploration of “psychological dynamics” didn't really occur as far as I could tell.
The story & the perspective are unique, interesting and important, but the book is overlong and needed a much firmer edit.
Note: The last hour of the audio book is author interview.
I ended up being really impressed with My Dark Vanessa. I had two thoughts running through my head when I read this:
Would my younger self would have learned anything by reading this or just been disgusted (as I was when I went to see a showing of Lolita in my late teens)? Possibly. But adult me understood Vanessa-maybe too well. Everyone is guilty, especially at 15, of wanting to feel special. One is in a crowd just trying to find the one thing that makes us stand out. Maybe we are the future skate board star, the future drug king pin, the star of the stage, the star of the backseat of a car. Vanessa was the star of a forbidden love story (or at least, that's how she spins the tale to herself). She searches for others like her, in literature in movies and in the faces of other teen girls. Russell really made Vanessa real to me, as a reader- with one missing bit. I find it unrealistic when female characters in books do not worry about their physical selves. So much prep goes into being a woman, it seems unrealistic that she never worried about shaving her legs or how her lovers would handle her menstruating. But the book was long enough so I guess some things couldn't be covered.
Secondly, we are watching Dexter (he for comfort viewing, me for the first time) and Vanessa, like Dexter are both self-described “monsters”. Both characters are full of muddled values. Vanessa is a mess, but she is strong. She is brilliant. She is a coward, but also smart enough to get herself some help, to identify the need to heal. She is using her voice, in an anonymous blog- a cry for help that goes ignored by a hero. There's an English essay topic in there somewhere.
Lastly, it loses a star because I thought it could have been tighter if it had been 50 pages shorter. I felt repetition, I didn't care about the Henry plotline that seemed like a giant setup for a scene we didn't even get to witness as readers (just heard about later). I thought too much attention was given over to the journalist and the article being written- just for it to not go anywhere.
Overall it is an emotional read- it puts the reader through the paces. I found the ending to be super satisfying (and I don't say that very often).