My Dark Vanessa

Great description of complicated emotions when it comes to sexual crime victims. It captures the tiniest, the most subtle feelings. A book makes me ponder and it reveals a lot of emotions surrounding sexual crime victims that I never really thought of.

One of the things that had my mind spin in this is that Vanessa didn't have friends. It's the truest fact in this book. In my head, I keep repeating that if she had opened up and allowed people in her life other than Strane, there would have been a different middle section and end.– but that's the plot entirely. That man had her in a cage and she didn't want to leave. She had so many chances but she chose to stay. It's heartbreaking and true because she was headstrong about wanting this or making it work even when she knows it's twisted. I have a serious headache because of this book. The fear I have in me doubled– probably tripled or multiplied a million times when she read his hospital records about a vasectomy. It's so horrendous that I lost it and thought of not finishing this book.

Such a well-written, dark, disturbing book. 

Trigger warnings: Sexual abuse, trauma, and mental health. Reader discretion is advised.

I'm giving “My Dark Vanessa” 2 stars because, honestly, it was a painful read. I struggled to connect with the protagonist, Vanessa, and found myself feeling frustrated with her choices and actions at times. At the same time, I couldn't help but feel sorry for her - she's a complex and deeply flawed character who has been through unimaginable trauma.

The writing is haunting and evocative, and the author doesn't shy away from exploring the darker aspects of human experience. However, I found the pacing to be slow and the narrative often meandering. I had to push myself to finish the book, and even then, I felt like I was relieved it was over.

Overall, I would caution readers who are sensitive to triggering content to approach with care. While “My Dark Vanessa” is a thought-provoking and timely novel, it's not an easy read by any means.

4,5☆

This was a pretty heavy read for me, and so worth it. 

This book explores the complexities of victimhood, primarily. Our society really simplifies issues especially with sexual abuse but there's so many layers to it, and this book really brought that out. 
Vanessa is one of the most complex characters I've ever read, such an interesting exploration into the mentality of her, as a young girl but also as an adult. How the abuse absolutely destroyed her life. I mean, I think we all know that abuse is damaging but I was not prepared for the absolute extent of it. 

Another thing that the book focuses on is girlhood. That age of 15, 16, when your worldview changes and you suddenly discover all these new parts of yourself and you discover the sexual power that you now newly hold. And that keeps becoming more and more relavant everyday with the increase in sexualisation of minors. I've never read anything that captured it so perfectly. 

There were just some scenes that blew my mind. Every word felt like it was handpicked. It was so simple yet so heavy. The bare truths laid out and it hit me so hard. 

The author says she's worked 18 years on this book, it really shows. 
Its genuinely one of the best, and most complicated books I've read in my life.

This book is a punch to the gut. It almost put me into a hysteria. My mind and heart were racing simultaneously every time I had to put the book down to catch my breath. It made me realise just how much I need therapy. Long term, intense fucking therapy. I found myself occasionally caught between the acts of bursting into manic laughter or breaking down into hysterical tears. It's like ripping open an old wound and suddenly you're aware of the festering blood, the smell of infection the plaster has been covering up for years. The lock has been undone and now, like Pandora's box, the demons are spilling out and you can't tear your eyes away, mesmerised and afraid but waiting for the flutter of hope only to stare into a dank, obscene wound that you honestly thought a plaster was going to fix.

You know the way men have that thousand yard stare when they return alive from a battle in war? The way any Hollywood movies shows the protagonists surviving D-Day, Okinawa or Bastogne? That's how I look after putting this book down to take a break. I'm in the room but I'm not present, I'm floating above and beyond and I don't know where that place is but I've been there before. There was honestly a part of me that thought I should just put the book down now and leave it, there at page 199. But what justice is that for Vanessa, for Dolores or for me? What good is it not to get closure? No matter how small or large, true or false. Because we all know this is fiction but it's absolutely the realest thing I've ever read. The only fiction is the names and dates and places put together.

How many girls in the world could read this book and say “yeah, this is real. This is me. This is my friend, this is my mother, this is her or she or them. I know her. I am her.” While simultaneously anyone else could read this book and say “I know him. I've met him. He's my friend. My father, my uncle, my teacher, my coach, my boyfriend. A stranger. My husband. My brother. Myself.” Thanks for coming to my TED talk.

Alexa play “I'm So Sick” by Flyleaf.

Hard to read but hard to put down.

I mean it is good. Just way too disturbing

Ik vind het heel lastig om dit boek een rating te geven. Het is een super heftig verhaal met veel trigger warnings! Ik vond het een aangrijpend verhaal en heel erg heftig om te lezen. Het wordt zo levendig geschreven dat ik het af en toe heel erg heftig vond en het even moest laten bezinken...

This was such a tough read. I'm unsure how I'd want to rate it or review it for now so I'll return later when I feel more collected

this book is horrific. everyone needs to read it.

god, what can i even say about this. this was an extremely difficult read but absolutely worth it all the way. i wanted to binge-read it, since that's what i do with every book that draws me in like this, but i genuinely couldn't do it. i had to stop reading and take breaks because i got sick to my stomach sometimes. this is definitely one of those books that affects your mood, so keep that in mind if you decide to read it.

jacob strane is truly one of the most well-crafted villains I've read all year. of course in the way that he doesn't see himself as a villain but the way that he was just so practiced. he knew exactly what to say to make vanessa question herself, to put her down just enough that it smothered her morals while also keeping her dependant on him for approval and validation. it was simultaneously enraging and heartbreaking to read the chapters when she was in school because you, the reader, can so clearly see the ways he's manipulating her and making her do exactly what he wants but vanessa is too young to see it herself.

thinking about all the years she lost to him will always make me want to cry. it would be awful enough that she went through all of this when she was young, but the fact that he stayed in her life and haunted her until the very end. even though she's in her 30s in the present day, in a way it's like he never let her grow up at all.

gunna include some of my favorite quotes under a spoiler because even though most of them don't talk about anything the book itself doesn't tell you in the summary (with a few extra actual spoilers), you should still be able to skip it if you want to experience it for the first time in-book:

“I wonder if it's possible for me to be arrested for having photos of myself. I wonder if maybe this is me turning into a predator, if the way I get excited around teenage girls says something about me. I think about how abusive people are always abused as kids. They say it's a cycle, avoidable if you're willing to do the work. But I'm too lazy to take out the trash, too lazy to clean. No, none of this even applies to me. I wasn't abused, not like that.” this is horrific. the way he's manipulating her from beyond the fucking grave, making her think that SHE'S a bad person because of her trauma

“To be groomed is to be loved and handled like a precious, delicate thing.”

in regards to her thinking about how he was in his 30s and how old she was when he got a vasectomy “...six, a first grader, barely a person and nine years away from being in bed with him,” this is nauseating.

“I wonder how much victimhood they'd be willing to grant a girl like me.” the way she doesn't think she's ENOUGH of a victim to deserve sympathy for what happened to her

“How can he be ready again? The bottle of Viagra in the bathroom cabinet, puke crusting together a lock of my hair. Him on top, his body so big it could smother me if he weren't careful. But he is careful and he is good and he loves me and I want this. I still feel torn in two when he pushes inside, will probably always feel this way, but I want it. I have to.” absolutely no words for this.

“I go on and on, parroting his arguments, the part of him left inside me suddenly risen and fully alive.”

“I tortured him,” I say. “I don't think you understand how much I contributed to everything. His whole life descended into hell because of me.”“He was a grown man and you were fifteen,” she says. “What could you have possibly done to torture him?”For a moment I'm speechless, unable to come up with an answer besides, I walked into his classroom. I existed. I was born.

‘Tipping my head back, I say, “He was so in love with me, he used to sit in my chair after I left the classroom. He'd put his face down on the table and try to breathe me in.” It's a detail I've trotted out before, always meant as evidence of his uncontrollable love for me, but saying it now, I hear it as she does, as anyone would—deluded and deranged.“Vanessa,” she says gently, “you didn't ask for that. You were just trying to go to school.”'

‘“I just feel . . .” I press the heels of my hands into my thighs. “I can't lose the thing I've held on to for so long. You know?” My face twists up from the pain of pushing it out. “I just really need it to be a love story. You know? I really, really need it to be that.”“I know,” she says.“Because if it isn't a love story, then what is it?”I look to her glassy eyes, her face of wide-open empathy.“It's my life,” I say. “This has been my whole life.”She stands over me as I say I'm sad, I'm so sad, small, simple words, the only ones that make sense as I clutch my chest like a child and point to where it hurts.'

this book was an extremely difficult read and an absolute masterpiece.

“I just really need it to be a love story, you know? I really, really need it to be that. Because if it isn't a love story, then what is it? It's my life. This has been my whole life.”

Rating: 4.17 leaves out of 5
-Cover: 5/5
-Story: 3/5
-Writing: 4/5
Genre: Contemporary, LitFic, Psychological
-Contemporary: 5/5
-LitFic: 4/5
-Psychological: 4/5
Type: Ebook
Worth?: Yeah

Sweet Jesus how do you even write a review about this? How did I do this for My Little Life?

Ugh okay, sadly I can relate to Vanessa. It is a hard subject but not something I can't talk to a degree about. This is such an unsettling and heartbreaking story. Watching Vanessa grow with this and how it ends it just... it was stressful, I won't lie. I don't believe you can call the story great or bad because of its content though you can on how it is written. Kate did a pretty good job, I think. The author for My Little Life could use some pointers with this.

Kate wanted the subject of this story to be front and center and it was. As much as grown Vanessa annoyed me, it was understandable.

3.75; brain tired, rtc

I'm giving this 5 stars for how accurately it captures the ways in which we lie to ourselves, and how complex trauma is. Necessary but hard reading.

it's so unsettling how easily i could've been vanessa

Kate Elizabeth Russell's debut novel, “My Dark Vanessa,” is a powerful and emotionally charged exploration of trauma and abuse. The novel tells the story of Vanessa Wye, a 15-year-old student at an elite boarding school in Maine, who becomes involved in a relationship with her English teacher, Jacob Strane. The relationship continues for years, and Vanessa comes to believe that it is a consensual love affair. However, as an adult, she begins to confront the truth about the abuse she suffered and the lasting impact it has had on her life.

What makes “My Dark Vanessa” such a compelling read is the way in which Russell handles the subject matter. She deftly navigates the complexities of a relationship that, on the surface, appears to be consensual but is actually deeply problematic. Through Vanessa's eyes, we see how she is groomed and manipulated by Strane, how he preys on her vulnerability and naivety to get what he wants.

At the same time, Russell also examines the impact of the abuse on Vanessa's life. She shows us how it has affected her relationships with others, her sense of self-worth, and her ability to trust. Vanessa's story is heart-wrenching and tragic, but it is also a testament to her strength and resilience.

Throughout the novel, Russell's writing is powerful and evocative. She captures the nuances of emotion and psychology with precision and sensitivity, creating a rich and complex portrait of a young woman coming to terms with her past. The novel is difficult to read at times, but it is also a necessary and important work that shines a light on the pervasive issue of sexual abuse and the lasting impact it can have.

Overall, “My Dark Vanessa” is a gripping and thought-provoking novel that will stay with you long after you finish reading it. It is a must-read for anyone interested in exploring the complexities of trauma and abuse, and the resilience of the human spirit.

Please check the TW of this book before reading it.
It's a hard story, a difficult one, a story that will take you through the actual process of realising how victims can be the predators in the eyes of the society, how easily one can be groomed into even believing that its their fault...
What I loved the most is that though the ending is cathartic, it is not magical, and thus, it makes the story so much more real.
There were moments that I wanted to skip the story, that I found it too slow, too much things to say without an actual purpose and the second story, the one of the other girl could have added another layer to the gaslighting the victims go through if the author had given her a few more pages.
Overall it definitely worths your time and attention, but be careful not to drag you to a dark dark place.

3.75

My Dark Vanessa - 4.5/5 stars

This was a really uncomfortable read, and that's what makes it so good. It tells the story of Vanessa and her struggles to battle adulthood after traumatic experiences of a child. It flips between telling the story of her teacher grooming and SA-ing her and the repercussions she now faces in adult hood. We see her deny the reality of what happened to her and it ends up with some really amazing quotes.

The author does well to make us hate the teacher character. I do worry that it make romanticise the horrors, so I think it depends on the reader

Overall, really powerful book that makes you uncomfortable when reading. Please read the trigger warnings if you want to read this anytime in the future because it is very graphic

This is another book I buddy read with Destiny. This is a hard book to read because of the subject matter. It's told from alternating timelines. The past when Vanessa is 15 and the present when she is 32 and dealing with the repercussions of the past. I feel like you are meant to like Vanessa and feel sorry for her for what she has gone through and while I definitely feel sorry for her, I didn't particularly like her. There were so many times where I wanted to throw my book across the room because it was making me so angry. Strane was very good at what he did but to me it also seemed so obvious what he was doing. I obviously can't say how I would react in a similar situation because I have never had this happen to me. There are a lot of trigger warnings for this book so be aware of them before going into it. 

Wow.

I honestly don't think words can describe this book. All I can say is:
1.I loved it.
2. I would recommend it to anyone willing to read it.
3. Kate Elizabeth Russel is a genius.

Edit: I just wanted to say that this book has changed me. Some of my friends one day were talking down a girl who had gone through a similar relationship in the book. They joked about her being crazy and said that she was disgusting, etc., etc. But it made me think: What if she was manipulated? What if she went through and was going to go through a life journey similar to Vanessa? It made me realize that prior to reading the book, I would've said the same things that my friends were saying. Now, all I want to do is try to help the girl. But I don't know her or even her name. This is what it feels like to have a book completely change your mindset.

3.5/5

Only halfway in the book but oh my, this is excruciatingly painful to read at times but can't stop reading it. Not sure if I can get my thoughts in order on this one. On the one hand, the book's topic is important. What Vanessa goes through what she believes to be her truth and not willing to reconcile to what everyone else is seeing is hard to read about. Yet, I know that it is something that happens to people with these traumatic experiences.

At the end of the book now, the part that got me the most is, “I just really need it to be a love story... because if it isn't a love story, what is it? It's my life, my whole life.” I feel like it's the moment she realized what truly happened and from then on she can move forward, I don't want to trivialize it, but I guess fixing that part of her life and be better. It certainly gives us a glimpse of what someone can go through and still decide not to press charges.