I'm Afraid of Men
Ratings29
Average rating4
“Why is my humanity only seen or cared about when I share the ways in which I have been victimized and violated?”
I'm Afraid of Men was such a great and thoughtful read that helped shine a light on topics surrounding gender, identity and trauma. I thought it was extremely powerful how the author focused on her own experiences, which are some that sadly many people share as well.
This was a fast, informative read that I think everyone should pick up.
A must read. Short and insightful I suspect it will be pretty relatable in one way or another to anyone who struggled with their gender identify either profoundly or passingly. It's written beautifully but not in a needlessly flowery way.
eh....there are important topics here but i dont know it wasnt what i was expecting i guess...? good points are made but then kind of flubbed around with and i dont know how i feel about the ending of this... to make the point that underneath it all everything you've experienced in life comes down to misogyny only to end with how afraid of women you are just feels...
In I'm Afraid of Men, Vivek Shraya reflects on her experiences from being “sensitive” and feminine boy who learns to perform masculinity through her adulthood as a transgender woman. She explores how her relationships to and perceptions of men have changed with a bluntness that is educational to those who may not have experienced the intersection of misogyny, homophobia, and transphobia that she has faced. This is an incredibly compelling set of essays that force one to examine how they may be complicit in the ongoing oppression of others.
She describes how carefully her life must be navigated, how she often goes out in public dressed as a man to avoid violence, how she will remove her makeup before leaving a show she's performed at, how her boyfriend sometimes accompanies her as a bodyguard of sorts. She reflects on how this anxiety, this terror, has weathered her body and her mind: “My fear of men... both protects my body... and erodes it... I have been stricken with numerous freak pains... that practitioners are unable to explain or cure. When they suspiciously ask me, ‘Are you sure nothing happened? You didn't fall somewhere?' I want to respond, ‘I live in fear.'”
As she reflects on her experiences with men, she notes the women in the background. The girlfriend of the classmate who spit on her, who giggled instead of stopping him. A friend at a bar who told her she should be flattered when she was repeatedly groped. Cisgender women who dismiss her stories of transmisogyny, assuming the oppression they face is the same that she faces. Women with internalized misogyny who continue to tear down other women. As she recounts them, she adds “I'm also afraid of women.”
Shraya's essays provide unique insight into how boys are socialized and how expectations of masculinity can be damaging, both to boys and men and the people they interact with. She also shares how dangerous life can be for men who do not adhere to our expectations for masculinity as well as for transgender women. This was a short, informative read that I highly recommend. I would love to see a full memoir from Shraya someday and will keep my eye out for more of her writing.
There can be things to gain from reading something like this but I'm always left unsettled at the stark level of posturing from trans woman. They truly believe in their minds that they are the minority and their levels of pain outweigh woman's when their issues don't derive directly from misogyny, as they weren't born as a woman in this world. They can still if they ever desired take off the makeup and clothes and go back to being a man and enjoy male privilege. It just makes feminism a joke that it's woman bearing the brunt of having to accept men as woman, and having to accept them into our limited spaces and have to adjust our limited gendered vocabulary (in reference to woman anatomy) to as not “offend” them. They can't be criticized otherwise you're just a “terf”
Vivek is very much on the defensive with this novel and tried to articulate the feelings of isolation and pain but the title alone and the topics covered just make me want to scoff in the audacity of it all. I use to not question things, I use to not object but as I've gotten older and realized just how much everything affects woman and I don't do that anymore. Sorry not sorry.
OWN VOICES/COUNTER NARRATIVES ARE SO IMPORTANT!
“What if you were to challenge yourself every time you feel afraid of me—and all of us who are pushing against gendered expectations and restrictions? What if you cherished us as archetypes of realized potential? What if you were to surrender to sublime possibility— yours and mine? Might you then free me at last of my fear, and of your own?” pg. 85
A personal and often painful essay about the amount of fear and anger driving our understanding of gender. Though it is short and the writing is not as dense as some nonfiction, it is a lot to process because many points are made and dots connected.
I was fascinated by how Shraya took on the overlapping binaries of male/female and good/bad. Sometimes we punish people for subverting stereotypes, but other times we commend people because we deem them to be unlike those of their gender (e.g., a “good man” is one more likely to help with dishes).
I have lots more thoughts about this book, some conflicting and most half-formed. Despite its short page count, it leaves the reader with a lot to mull over and is very contemporary.