Get Out of Town

This book is about what I consider one of the absolute dumbest, most illogical, most frustratingly obnoxious plots in Riverdale - the very thing which led me to quit watching the show, in fact. As such, I won't be rating this based on plotline, because that would be like a dog hater knowingly reading a story about dogs and rating it low because it wasn't about cats. I won't even rate it based on whether it is canon compliant, since I gave up on the show during this plot and likely wouldn't spot any subtle inaccuracies (or be aware of relevant retcons, since Riverdale loves to rewrite its own story often). Instead, I'm rating it based on insight it provides into thoughts and motives as well as general writing quality and characterization.

I'll begin with a rundown of the narrating characters and my thoughts on them, then lead into an overall assessment.

JUGHEAD sounds a little flat, but for the canon point given I'm not surprised. He's a shadow of the character I love yet very accurate to the one he became in later seasons of the televised series. I felt he was overly wordy in places, but that seems reasonably on brand.

I wish his emotions had been covered with more ‘showing' and less telling, but what the author told seemed genuine. I liked the insight into his thought processes regarding losing Archie and being King of the Southside Serpents. I could have done without all the ship-related stuff, but he's with Betty on the show so I can't fault the book for including it no matter how much I dislike “Bughead.”

One thing stood out, though: In canon, FP tells Alice that a snake (Southside Serpent) never sheds its skin (stops being part of the biker gang) so easily. The key part of that quote was how he said it didn't happen easily. Without that qualifier, it just becomes an ignorant lie and a cringey false metaphor, considering snakes literally do shed their skin multiple times in their lives. The point is that ecdysis - skin shedding - is an uncomfortable and vulnerable time period for a snake. Unfortunately, this book has Jug refer to how he's learned snakes never shed their skin. Congratulations, author; you just made Jughead into an idiot and ruined a neat metaphor. Considering he's my favourite character, that irks me a lot.

VERONICA is a cringefest, not unlike her canon counterpart. I felt icky seeing this sixteen-year-old girl wax poetic in overdone phrasing about her darling paramour the love of her life Archie Andrews. (GAG!) So, you know, she's fairly accurately written in that regard. However, much like the previous book, she's vapid and shallow and sounds more like a spoiled starlet than someone who's grown and developed into an actually-decent human being.

She's also far too much of an obnoxious SJW caricature - far moreso than on the show. At one point, Veronica stupidly claims that having the boys sit in the front of a car and girls in the back is ‘sexist' even though Jug's driving and she wanted to sit by Betty anyway, meaning they'd have to sit in the back whether Archie had called shotgun or not. And later, she even accuses Archie of ‘disguising misogyny as chivalry' when he volunteers to clean up mutilated birds left by an enemy - the very sight of which had made Veronica scream in terror when they were first discovered. No, V, that's not misogyny; that's your boyfriend trying to help you not be triggered again. It's infuriatingly ridiculous and makes her sound even more narcissistic than she already is as a Lodge.

But I digress. I think the author focused too much on “she's so obsessed with luxury and privilege” and “she likes social justice buzzwords” but not enough on making Veronica's emotions read like those of a real person or creating a sympathetic character. As such, Veronica was primarily an unlikable character and her sections were annoying to read while often feeling off-kilter from who she normally is.

I'm not surprised, just disappointed. And disgusted at how often she drones on about how she'll never betray Archie and loves him oh-so-much and he never has to worry about her dating Reggie while he's gone, if he gets arrested. It's about like reading a book in which Humpty Dumpty swears a million times that he'll never, ever sit on a wall, not once in his entire life: it's just plain obnoxious because you know what a lie it proves to be later.

ARCHIE is basically just a giant ball of anxious self-loathing. That's it, that's his personality. I don't feel as if I gained any insight into the idiotic decision he made on the show (not during the book), which means the main reason I was curious enough to read this is a total bust. He does, however, come across as genuinely Archie so there's that. It's also interesting to get a peek into his intense PTSD and how it affects his thought processes.

REGGIE comes across as an uneducated jerkwad, even more than he usually does in the show. However, the insight into his family life explains quite a bit and serves as a nice bit of character development.

BETTY is written with such urgency that her emotions feel real. They jump from the page, making her stress and anxiety take the forefront even when she's trying to be chill. I like that a lot, especially coupled with the insight into her Adderall dependence and frustration with her mom's ignorance.

One thing, though: most of Betty's sections are framed as diary entries, which makes absolutely zero sense. Nobody writes exact dialogue their friends said when making a diary entry. And why would she, with the psychotic cult-member mother and sister, be writing vulnerable information in a diary they could just snatch and read, anyway? She's supposed to be smarter than that.

Also, since when was she a crazy SJW type? At one point, she accuses Jug of being chivalrous and sexist for volunteering to let her take a shower first after they'd finished cleaning up a dead animal. Heaven forbid he be kind to his girlfriend! It can't possibly be that he is too lazy to shower first or is used to dead animals after living in a trailer park and being homeless for awhile or that he just loves her enough to want her to be comfortable first. No, no, it's sexism, y'all! Gag me with a spoon. Betty is, I repeat, supposed to be smarter than this.

ETHEL is completely guano level crazy, and it does not suit her. It is, unfortunately, how canon chose to characterize her as well, but I will forever be bitter about how they turned her into... whatever this nonsense is when she used to be a sympathetic character during season one. However, the insight into why and how she ended up how she is was quite welcome. I may still resent it, but at least now I also understand.

SWEET PEA doesn't narrate a section of his own, but I'd just like to say how stupid I thought it was that mister Serpent Loyalty was demi-working with the traitorous ex-Serpent who tried to murder his friend (and current leader of the gang). I don't know if this is canon or not, but I hate it with the fiery non-passion of a thousand suns. Yuck! Also, FP is in on it, so toss “working with the monster who tried to murder his son” into the pile of “things I find extremely unlikely.” Is it canon? Don't know, don't care; I hate it regardless.

POP TATE was an unexpected and enjoyable surprise when it comes to narrating characters! A very small portion, but interesting all the same.

JOSIE was... a very peculiarly wild and crazy version of herself which felt more suited for that one movie version with the spunky redhead. It just didn't feel like the Josie from the televised series, but then she didn't get much screen time so I can't be much of a judge. I just know that I felt unsatisfied with how strange and cliche her voice and motives were. I like to think “the real Josie” wouldn't vandalize another band's property just for the sake of her own ego or have dangerous, impromptu drag races on town roads in the middle of the night. She's always come across as classier and more honour-bound than that, even if the paint she used for vandalism did happen to be washable.

OVERALL I think this book is a decent read for anyone who is obsessed with Riverdale and wants more of the same. Unfortunately, that isn't me. I went into this hoping for a little more insight into what drove the character motivations between seasons two and three, since I hated what the show became for its third season. I wanted to understand, and though I did accomplish that task with Ethel it just wasn't possible with the others.

If you, like me, dislike the plots involved you'll probably be annoyed fairly often - potentially enough to make it an unenjoyable reading experience. Luckily, this book blows by fast, never dwelling on anything for too long, and that helps a lot. It's decently well-written, if you overlook how obnoxious certain character voices are (VERONICA!), don't dislike the constant jumping between narrators, and are willing to grit your teeth and stomach a third to a half of a book worth of every move any male character makes being deemed misogynistic. I'm not sure I would have kept going beyond the 30% mark, if I weren't specifically reading for insight into the plot. Which, again, I didn't particularly get.

If anything, this feels like a desperate attempt to add even more ridiculous drama to the plot. When things look like they're all geared up to provide a solid rescue for Archie, of course everything has to go dramatically and ridiculously pear-shaped because in the show he doesn't get rescued between seasons. So we get action movie level nonsense to erase all progress and characters who are very deliberately and clearly enemies having random reveals as being the good guys come to save the day. Aight, then, if you say so.

Along the way, the core four are bumbling idiots to the point it sometimes feels like a sitcom. They make mistakes which they normally wouldn't and act more like horror movie tropes at times, which is especially grating since they even discuss those tropes before falling into them.

The first half or so of this book is actually a fascinating selection of character studies, don't get me wrong. There is some value to be had there - and, in fact, I rather enjoyed that portion.

The problem is that, once a plot develops, things to downhill fast. Everything about the main plot is contrived and in the end literally none of it matters because nothing is accomplished. I understand that there are constraints to what could happen between seasons, but that's where a writer has to step back and ponder what they're doing. It's no different than writing a prequel: there's plenty of room to show new things happening without inventing those which are detrimental to the timeline then erasing them in dramatic fashion to make everything fit.

Similarly, this book is definitely not without its technical flaws. Some of the narrator choices, for example, make no sense. (Why have Archie narrate a conversation he's barely involved in when he doesn't even provide emotional input? Why re-hash things from the show or comics for some sections without adding anything to them?) There are also a smattering of typos and grammar flubs, though nothing particularly brain-breaking... and one incredibly nonsensical plot point.

I know I said I'd focus away from the plot elements, but this is just egregious. The core four are heading to a vacation home where a crime Archie's been publicly accused of is taking place. Their intent is to stealthily look for evidence to clear Archie's name. So, what do they do? Tell a random cop they encounter that Veronica is Big Bad's daughter and admit they're going to the vacation home. Then they stop at the store where the crime began because apparently Veronica thinks looking for clues requires snacks and that's the only place to get some. Thus, not only is nothing about the mission stealthy but they've got the accused criminal who's awaiting trial wandering around in the wide open in front of the victim's friends. That's so beyond stupid that it's ridiculous even by Riverdale standards!

For that one bit, I'd have been inclined to dock a star, but it's negated because I'm giving this book an automatic extra star just for Veronica referring to her “increasingly cartoon-villain-evil father” and Betty referring to Hiram as “some mustache-twirling cartoon bad guy.” It's refreshing to see a call out on how pathetically one-dimensional and cartoonish Hiram Lodge became. Seriously, words can't explain how much I hate the way he's so obsessed with teenagers like some Scooby Doo villain while we're told he's some scary mob boss or whatever. It's laughable, and I enjoyed seeing shade tossed over the situation.

I didn't hate the experience, but I also stopped enjoying it somewhere around the mutilated birds, if not actually much sooner, so I'm giving this book two stars. That's inclusive of the extra star for calling out how pathetically cartoonish Hiram Lodge is multiple times, so make of that what you will. I just can't justify a higher rating for the bits I did like when there ended up being so many that I detested.

I mean, honestly? It may just be easier to leave on the note of a text message one character sends another (won't say who, to avoid any meaningful spoilers). Consider how dumb it would be to leave an electronic trail like this, and how much dumber it'd be not to just turn the person in for death threats which name the Big Bad explicitly and could get him in jail (and out of the way) posthaste. And know that this is fairly par for the course of idiotic decisions the characters in this book make:

When will you learn? There???s no such thing as ???done.??? There???s only ???in??? or ???dead.??? And for now, you???re ???in.??? That means you???re on Hiram Lodge???s good side. You probably want to keep it that way.

this perfectly captures all the bonkers shit I love about the show