The Maple Murders

Initial Opinion:

The intro is a bit overly dramatic and repetitive, like it's trying to capture Jug's narrative voice yet falling into a stereotype instead. So many of the plots I hate are name dropped, and I get the feeling I'll end up disliking the experience, but I already own the book so I might as well rip off the bandaid quickly!

I make it to Cheryl in the first chapter. I read the quote: ???Oh, j???adore! The Riverdale Revels! The Royal Maple pageant! What a delightfully OTT festivity we have in store, my darling TeeTee.??? I regret every life choice which has led me to this atrocious combination of words.

Please let me wake from this nightmare. Please, I beg thee, almighty deity of literature, spare me from the tortures which await.

And yet, I've already committed to this and I have a book goal. There will be no mercy for me this week.

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Final Views:

I don't even know how to properly unpack everything noteworthy about this book or my feelings thereon, but I'll begin by saying it gets off to a slow and boring start - so much so, in fact, that I often chose to use my spare time catching up on Unus Annus videos and playing House Flipper instead of reading. This quickly became a trend, and what should have been a short read ended up taking two weeks.

The first third of this book drags, bogged down by all the hoopla about an unplanned town event and how the characters feel about the sudden revelry. There's way too much meandering and not enough murder mystery.

This trend dominates the book: far too many pointless side plots drag down the story and take focus away from the actual mystery regarding the eponymous Maple Murders. While some of these side plots are only uninteresting because I hate the general plot of Riverdale season three, some irked me for more notable reasons. Because the review length limit is paltry, I'll use a list and write under the assumption that anyone reading this has already seen at least the first half of Riverdale's third season. (If you haven't, then you won't understand what's happening in this book anyway.)

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* First off, I just can't let go of the ick factor of Veronica and Betty deciding to get Kevin into a gay club using a fake ID. No, the club wasn't a problem; it painted a wonderful mental image of the setting and seemed to be handled well for the most part. The problem is: they wanted to find a hookup for Kevin, a minor, in a club aimed at adults. At no point does anyone question the morality of what amounts to a plan of tricking someone into statutory rape. Thankfully, nothing really comes of the plot, but still. Yikes.

* There's a smattering of uncomfortable, casual mentions of “Dark Betty” which treat it as a cosplay thing (actual term used by Kevin) instead of a sign of Betty's fractured mental health and desperate need for therapy. I know the show itself has started doing that, as well, but this is one thing which I feel an absolute need to call out regardless. It's a desperate cry for help from the damaged psyche of a teenage girl in a broken home. Can we please stop treating it like some silly, ‘sexy' cosplay?!

* Veronica insists an all genders, opt-in beauty pageant is oh so horribly misogynistic and sexist. Apparently, she doesn't care that it's inclusive and those who don't want to compete have the option to simply not. Why, it's a horrible affront against females that it exists! (If you say so, kiddo. Congrats on raising a stink over the only outlet queer kids in the town will likely ever have...?)

* At one point, Cheryl suggests Toni utilize her bisexuality and race to earn favour in a contest due to diversity. Toni gets upset because she feels like that's exploiting her identity and says she needs a moment alone to collect herself since the exploitative suggestion came from her own girlfriend. Instead of actually getting that moment, something immediately occurs to derail the situation and suddenly Toni is no longer upset about feeling exploited.

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Even if these bits were in a completely new universe, using characters I'd never seen before, I'd still take issue with them. I hold that separate from things like “ugh, no, please stop dwelling on that stupid religious cult, I don't give a crap” which are not really fair to the book since they're set-in-stone aspects of canon.

Speaking of canon, though? It's literally impossible to fit this book into the canon as written. Let me explain, using bits copied from the Wikipedia writeup of Riverdale's episodes:

Season 3, episode 9: “Cheryl and Toni are both kicked out of the Serpents”
Season 3, episode 10: “Hermione appoints F.P. as the new sheriff of Riverdale”

Now, call me crazy, but I'm pretty sure nine comes before ten. Yet the book treats FP as the well-established sheriff and Cheryl and Toni as still-loyal, proud Serpents. These aren't just casual mentions, either; they have actual impact on a handful of subplots. How do you mess up something like that? At least the other inconsistencies are more subtle and require a deeper dive into sorting out the timeline. This one is just egregious.

But I digress. Before getting into the main plot, I'd like to follow tradition set by this book and provide more filler, specifically about characters.

VERONICA is, much like in the previous two books, a snobby rich girl who borders on being a complete jerk and looks down on everyone around her. She's also, frustratingly, still a comically bad caricature of an SJW. She has no qualms with treating her gay best friend, Kevin, like he's a novelty but she's all too willing to act like calling silly, inoffensive things ‘misogynistic' makes her a wonderful person.

It's also incredibly difficult to parse what she's saying half the time. She's nowhere near as obnoxious as Cheryl, but she speaks in overused references to expensive things and uses flowery language which makes her sound more like a pretentious stereotype of Rich Girl From New York than a three-dimensional being. It's unpleasant to read, but she's pretty in-character for later seasons of the show.

JUGHEAD doesn't feel anything like, well, Jughead. He doesn't have that air of being a tortured soul and just serves as a stand-in for failed comic relief and Betty's sidekick. Simply put: the quote in season one about sardonic humour is the only thing which comprises his personality.

He's reduced to stammering and blushing over simple social interactions at least twice, turning him into a character who's literally nothing like any iteration of Jughead I have ever witnessed over the seasons of Riverdale and especially nothing like who he is when he's a Serpent. It's more like the weak, socially awkward caricature people use in fanfics when they can't be bothered to figure out how to portray him with nuance. I'm disappointed by what was done to my favourite character.

BETTY feels... off. While I praised the previous book for how well Betty's emotions were handled, I'm afraid I'll have to scold this one for making her come across with no depth. She talks about things like her self-harm with such a disinterested voice that you'd think she was discussing the weather. Yeah, we're told that she feels certain ways, but it's never shown with enough depth to feel genuine.

Betty's sections are also usually framed as diary entries, but they cover detailed actions and exact dialogue. It's weird, and makes the detached emotion feel even more pronounced because usually people are very impassioned when writing about important events in a diary.

ARCHIE has about as much nuance as unflavoured gelatin. He's just... there. Occasionally, there's a brief mention of the things he's been through, but he serves as little more than a narrating voice for other characters' plots.

KEVIN is fun. I loved seeing him just completely unapologetically be himself while exploring a (presumably, based on the show) new facet of his identity by entering a beauty pageant. However, there are some disappointing ventures into stereotypical dialogue straight from a late-90s sitcom. He calls himself Veronica's “gay husband” unironically and basks in the chance to be her “life-size Ken doll,” both things which don't feel in-character for him. But, hey, he actually got to exist without becoming a bad person to advance the plot! That's better than canon!

JOSIE feels more in-character than the previous installment. I enjoyed seeing her handle the emotions surrounding her want for close connections vs. her desire to hyper-focus on having a musical career. Watching her bond with Kevin as a future step-sibling was also nice.

TONI is a weak-willed sidekick for Cheryl, barely even her own person. Whatever Cheryl wants, ultimately Cheryl gets, even when Toni has said she isn't interested several times prior. She's her girlfriend's arm candy and mindless supporter. I mean, seriously, Cheryl can be a narcissistic bully and Toni will basically just smile and go “oh, you... that's so cute.” (Thankfully not an actual quote, but it's close.) I miss back when Toni had a personality beyond being Cheryl's yes-(wo)man. Unfortunately, though, I must concede that this version of Toni is canonically valid for season three.

CHERYL is a hot mess, in the insulting way. Her sections are full of such purple prose that it made me think several times I'd unlearned the English language. I ended up skimming just to avoid a headache at least twice.

She domineers her girlfriend as if what she really wants is a pet who will love her unconditionally and never question her flaws. Her portrayal makes me sad for the strong, decent human she could have been, if only the myriad of teachable moments she's endured in the past three seasons had been absorbed. But alas, when she isn't busy crying over not getting her way, she thinks and acts like a she-devil who believes everyone else is beneath her. Still. Despite having a girlfriend who comes from a lower financial class than herself and being part of a gang made primarily of people who are homeless and/or from the low-income side of town. It's as gross as watching a skinny girl with an overweight girlfriend constantly talk down about everyone else with a little extra weight on them.

So, y'know, she's also written true to character for season three.

EVELYN is a character I barely met before giving up on the show, so I can't say if she's accurately portrayed. I can, however, say that I actually liked the way she presents herself as an upbeat person while something sinister simmers just beneath the surface. I'm not fond of how her arc in this book ended, but the journey to get there was interesting and her motivations felt believable for the daughter of a cult leader.

Nobody else left enough of an impression to warrant mention, and the ridiculously short character limit for reviews is nigh. So, time for the main event!

Actually, don't trust the build-up; I don't have much to say about the overall plot. It's so bogged down by everything else that at times I honestly forgot what was going on with the murder mystery aspect.

The overarching mystery was not particularly well handled - at times, feeling like an aside to all the mundanity - but it did hold my interest enough to keep me from giving up on this book. I didn't care for how certain elements of the mystery were telegraphed from miles away or revealed in flashback sections, mostly because I prefer to discover clues and figure things out along with the main characters instead and see if I can figure things out myself. Nor was I happy with how it went mostly untouched for so long then suddenly hit a rushed wrap-up. The solution felt too clich?? and unsatisfying for my tastes, though it did surprise me on certain elements. Since engagement and intrigue are big parts of a successful mystery story, I'm willing to give credit where it's due there.

It's just: I wanted more about the past, more about the mystery, but it was all over and I'd wasted my time on so much dull filler that it felt much like getting a photograph of food while hungry. Now I have a strong idea of what I wish this book had been, and the fact it didn't deliver is disappointing.

Do I think it was a worthwhile journey? Well... no, not for me. But also yes, for someone who enjoys the season where it takes place and has an easier time turning off their suspension of disbelief. Me, I couldn't even handle how Instagram was name-dropped in a world where even its parent company, Facebook, is censored into SpaceBook and they watch ViewTube instead of YouTube. Believing some of the other inconsistencies was just way too much to ask of my poor, little brain.

For example: Why do Alice and Polly act as if Betty doesn't live with them? They tell her off for making an “impromptu visit” but Jug calls it the Cooper house and last I checked Betty is a minor with an imprisoned father and no foster family so that should mean she also lives there with her mother and sister. So... did I miss something?

Or, more lightheartedly: Why is Toni called TeeTee but Jason is called JJ? Shouldn't there be some kind of consistency in how two-letter nicknames are spelled?

It's just too much. But, since I feel like leaving on a fun note, have some ridiculous quotes found in this book. Consider it a little cringe compilation, if you will.

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* “What fictions did our respective parental figures peddle to us all, respectively?” – Veronica

* “With the seedlings of a nascent plan in place, we split up.” – Cheryl

* “Okay, okay, you did it. You???re on record as an objector and the leader of Riverdale???s own Mayday resistance. You shall henceforth be known as Elizabeth Cady Stanton Lodge. Done and done. You???re making me mix my girl-power metaphors, and it???s messy.” – Kevin

* “Jerry Seinfeld???s Amagansett house isn???t too far from Lodgehampton; I???ve had better access to his car collection than half those comedians he takes for coffee.” – Veronica

* “But alas, as I???m sure you suspect, based on the look on your face, we???ve got some other fish to fry right now.??? –Jughead

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Yeah, this... sure was an experience. I'll tell you what, though: I'm going to be fair to how much of the boredom and campiness originate from canon and rate this book two stars. It would have been a respectable middle ground of three, if only it didn't suffer from such a massive timelining failure. But since that's something which will likely count against it even in the eyes of those who enjoy the third season, I can't justify not docking a star.