More: A Memoir of Open Marriage

The stars are mostly because I think it's such a difficult topic to write about. Either the people doing it are expected to have all the answers or pass judgment or maybe both, I guess. I was curious, and confess I got frustrated as the book went by, due to the lack of answers and generally the confusion expressed by the author, but that's exactly what I think should happen. She's just telling her story, and it's not her fault she doesn't have all the answers - it's a memoir, after all, not a manual. Her story is about her husband, who does like the idea of an open marriage, and her own feelings about it, which begin very dubious and evolve, or not, throughout the book.
I've always felt like the concept of monogamy is more social than anything else, and still think that after reading it. That was the only contribution the book made to my own opinion, but as I said, maybe it was enough - to know that after all, everyone should be able to form their own opinions and live accordingly instead of feeling there's this big book of rules bossing us around.

I bought this because the article I read about it (that I've lost the link to, it might have been the NYT piece, it might have been a random one from an ENM group on FB, I'll never know because I didn't save it) made it sound interesting and right up my alley, like two people coming into their autonomy and discovering the beauty of expansive love and community. Then it arrived in the mail and I read the dust jacket.

insert record scratch sound

Whoo, boy, I got the ick BIG time. But I decided to read it anyway because I'm SURE it'll be being talked about and I want to know what I'm up against.

Update and TL;DR: I'm disappointed. It's not as gross as I thought it would be but it's not good either. 3 stars because the writing is good enough to have kept me going.
——————————————-
First of all, I understand that this is a memoir, not a how-to or even a self help book. Thank all the powers that be for that, because I highly doubt even the author would recommend anyone follow her particular path into non-monogamy. As someone who identifies as polyamorous with a healthy seasoning of relationship anarchy, I have SO MANY PROBLEMS with the entire way the author and her husband approached this. At least she was honest in the telling, I guess? I don't see how she could have been DIShonest, with as awful a light as she painted both herself and her husband in during their bumbling first forays into non-monogamy. The book is well-written, the first 2/3 or so like the proverbial train crash you can't stop watching.

Second, the events of the book happen over 10+ years. There's a lot of growing and changing that takes place, in many ways, not just in how the main couple approaches their non-monogamy. Parents age and fall ill, children grow up, jobs change. So I'll give them some grace based on the fact that while as a reader, I got to rush through all the nitty-gritty bits, they were actually living through them in real time. Again: memoir. This is their story, as painful and nauseating as it may be at times.

Third, there are many, many flavors of non-monogamy, most of which can be approached ethically (i.e., with everyone involved being fully, knowledgeably consenting). That I don't agree with/think their decided on flavor is unhealthy and toxic doesn't mean they're wrong. It may be wrong for me and I may have logical reasons for that – but that doesn't mean it's ethically wrong. I may still have the ick, but. You do you, booboo.

Following are some of my problems with their journey and their chosen flavor of non-monogamy at the end of the book. There are some spoiler-y things here, though I think you could still read the book and enjoy(?) it and form your own impressions.

- Her husband comes off (in the first chapters, at least) as a man disinterested in anything but work and sex, and his motivation for “allowing” his wife to see other men (something she feels incredibly guilty about and even resistant to at first) is that he finds fantasizing about her being with them hot, and wants to know all the juicy details. ICK. BIG ICK. Not because there's anything wrong with that as a kink, when EVERYONE is fully aware that that's what's happening and consents. But she outright lies to the first few men she sees, leading them to believe that she, also (!!) is cheating on her partner. This causes her and at least one of them some real emotional turmoil and pain.- I have a real problem with how they treated other people. How they upheld their marriage like it was some sacred thing to be protected at all costs (and oddly enough, they don't seem to be religious at all). How despite continuing in this lifestyle, they seem to ashamed of it to teach their kids about alternate relationship styles – when their oldest discovers it by accident, they act embarrassed and as though it's a personal failing (but don't worry, Mommy and Daddy love each other VERY MUCH!!!!). Ew. The nuclear family is not some god-ordained thing, folks. It's okay to have expansive love in our lives, and you should teach your kids that.- The author has little to no confidence in herself and her worth. She constantly tries to make herself smaller for other people, especially as she's dating. At one point she writes, “How do I dress up for her (her date partner's fiance'), but not outshine her?” The face she even considers this motivation for how she asks or dresses (another person's insecurities)...sigh. Also the kind of treatment and behavior she allows and excuses from some of the men she dates...is disturbing. - OH, THE DRAMA. Sure we all need to vent our emotions sometimes, but there are ways to do that, that don't involve exploding on other people either in anger or just...feelings. I mean are we 15 or 35, here? The whole flinging herself out of bed to sob on the floor at one point struck me as childish at best and manipulative at worst, and there were several other passages where she is just SO DRAMATIC over things that are not a big deal (I'm not saying they didn't FEEL like a big deal, because it's totally okay to have your feelings – just not to act or require others to act as a caretaker for those feelings). I definitely wanted to give her a little shake and tell her to grow up.- A large part of the author's frustration and even health problems are due to her letting her resentment and anger towards her husband build. Thankfully, she (and they) do go to counseling to work on this, but it's such a stereotypical situation for our society – the overworked mom, running around trying to fulfill all this expectations and both run a house/take care of kids AND have a career, meanwhile the husband works, comes home and – does nothing. Ugh.- The end conclusion is that the author's marriage is safe NO MATTER WHAT, partially due to the having children together! Which naturally results in a hierarchal approach to polyamory/ENM, which I have ethical problems with, and then upholding “marriage” as an institution in general is problematic, in my opinion.

All those complaints aside, there were a couple of good quotes.

“Maybe we only need one rule. Let's just promise to be honest with each other, and then help the other person process whatever emotions come up.”

“Love is vast. Abundant. Infinite, in fact. And the secret is this: love begets love. The more you love, the more love you have to give.”