Chloe

this is so mother

not the hero we wanted, but the himbo we needed.

Johnny the typa dude to go: ‘Just remembered that girls get period pains grimaces in rage Fuck! It's just totally unfair looks out the window in silent, seething anger but coyly looks back after a bit, gently searching for your eyes while hitting you with the Flynn Ryder smolder I drive a Lamborghini btw. also, my dick's 12 inches.'

4.5 stars (I did in fact eat that shit up but mostly bc Joey/Gibsie r my mans and I love me a slow burn. Johnny is a big-ass dick tho & not the good kind.)

what kind of tomfoolery is this ending?? cries

THIS BOOK IS A 5 STAR IN MY HEART

This self-aware heroic vampire-story parody was funny as shit.
Some quotes as evidence:

- “I thought she was mine! She seduced me with her Witch's magicks!” Slade protested,
righteously. “Her curly hair is un-Witch-like and purposefully attractive.
When I kissed her, she only pretended to fight me off. She gives mixed signals.”
- She contrived to look innocent. “Reconsidering your plan to pimp me out to
Edward Cullen?”
- To Slade, Kara didn't really exist as a person. She was simply there,
sharing his scene and awaiting his throbbing male member with her quivering
flesh.

BUT NOT ONLY THAT, IT WAS ALSO SEXY AS FCK??? I would quite literally DIE for Damien. Somehow this book - with its stupidly funny (but nonetheless, stupid) plot - HAD THE MOST AMAZING SHOW-STOPPING ONE-LINERS. & don't get me wrong, there wasn't much smut, but when there was???? I STARED AT THOSE WORDS FOR WHAT FELT LIKE DAYS. I.N.C.R.E.D.I.B.L.E.Some cute little love quotes as evidence: - “You were never my doom, Kara Lynn. Not ever.” Heshook his head at how insane that idea seemed, now. “You are my salvation.” - I have waited for you my entire life and you don't even think I exist. - “Kara Lynn, it was such a simple thing. For you, I would do so much more.” - The girl was just a means to an end, but she was his means to his end.AND THAT'S NOT EVEN ALL OF IT ?!?!?! DAMIEN IS JUST TOO DREAMY. He is sassy, funny SE-XY and perfect. The plot in this book was amusing at best and the world (with all of its unpredictable craziness) reminded me of a Where's Wally scene but dear Lord did Damien make up for it.ABSOLUTELY OBSESSED. I WILL NEVER GET OVER DAMIEN <333 o(≧▽≦)ツ┏━┓

tell me why the love this little prince had for his rose fulfilled me more than any of the smutty books I have read this year ever could...

this is such a cute, short & imaginative read + I just really like the ideas proposed in this book with his cute lil planet and his cute lil friends and his cute lil rose and his cute lil laughing stars thing. so cute. the narrator's cute lil drawings were nice too.

faith in humanity: restored.
i want more

really good fanfiction. i liked the part where they kissed (Inferno VIII)

valid.

if thanos was a barb

This was... bad.
Like, physical pain is worlds better than the mental suffering I put myself through every time I even looked at this book.

The FL is so annoying. She is not strong or independent or awe-inspiring. She is annoying.

The ML is just as bad (I suppose in this aspect, they're truly made for each other). We start the book off with him in his stupid youth and then, following some much-needed but poorly guided character development, he becomes a dark and brooding mess.

Sufficed to say that beginning this book was almost as difficult as continuing it.

To truly illustrate how much I despise them, I will now provide evidence and some backstory.
—————–SPOILER WARNING————–



Now, the start can be basically summarised into:
* big bad powerful winter king comes to summer land because he wants to organise his demands for the enemy kingdom to follow after their war (winter won)
* his demands are: he wants to marry one of the summer princesses and make them birth his heir.
* meanwhile, our FL, Kham (a neglected princess), is in her rebellious era

So, OF COURSE Kham has to mess with the visiting warlord to prove something to herself, right? WRONG.

Now, don't get me wrong, the summer king is a bastard although, he was correct in one respect: KHAM STAY OUT OF THE POLITICAL SHIT FOR CHRIST SAKE.

Not only does this girl send a threat to the visiting conquerer (using her weather magic) but, AFTER BEING EXPLICITELY TOLD TO LEAVE THIS MAN ALONE BEFORE SHE GETS HER ENTIRE KINGDOM MURDERED, she ventures into his room to steal some sentimental objects stored there.

When this occurred I was astounded. You would risk angering the man - who is balancing the lives of your ENTIRE KINGDOM on his pinky - for A HAIRBRUSH AND BOOKS? GIRL BFFR.

Although, the Ice King isn't any better at all. For some reason, he is weirdly obsessed with letting the reader know he is not a rapist. This is fine. I myself am quite fond of non-rapists. My only problem with his statements was that THERE WAS ALWAYS A BUT.

Doubt me? Okay:
“He was many things, most of them unpleasant, but one thing he'd never been was rapist. He had to let the girl go. But another, far more primitive and fierce, part of him refused. He had to touch her. Just this once at least. He couldn't explain the compulsion, but he couldn't deny it either.”

This line singlehandedly made me lose all faith in humanity. My heart shriveled up into my SOUL.

Also, the amount of growling was truly unnecessary. But, if you're feeling frisky, a drinking game whereby you take a shot every time he growls is one way to have a very fun - and very short - night.

But, enough from them. Three characters which were indeed my saving graces within the first 50 pages were the ‘beloved' summer princesses. Autumn, Summer and Spring. I mean, not only were they beautiful, but they were also funny, caring, protective and just an all-around lovely break from our main characters. I ABSOLUTELY ADORED THEM.

But for some STILL UNKNOWN REASON, they were described with such misogynistic fervor that I wanted to beat someone FOR them.

Context: The first demand from the Winter King following his arrival at the Summer land is that he wants to dine with one of the princesses. Of course, the summer king sends all three and they - very admirably, might I add - entertain this disgusting pig of a man as he makes advances and does things to purposefully make them uncomfortable. But they, as the wonderful angels they are, do not show much of a reaction to this (besides slight tells) and handle the entire situation very professionally. BUT FOR SOME REASON HE USES THEIR RESTRAINED REACTIONS AS AN OPPORTUNITY TO POINT OUT/CRITICISE WHY THEY ARE SO PROUD AND HAUGHTY?? LIKE DUDE, ARE YOU EVEN PRESENT?? DO YOU EVEN REALISE HOW DISGUSTING YOU ARE?? The fact that anyone could even mildly TOLERATE this pig astounds me.

Quote:
“They did not disappoint. He'd seen the flash of defiance in Spring's eyes just before she lifted her own wine cup to his lips as he'd commanded, the resentment in Summer's when he'd ordered her to sing while he ate, and the way Autumn's fingers had curled around the knife when he'd told her to cut an apple and feed him the pieces from her own hand after she had taken a bite from each. But he'd also seen each princess shiver when he ran a finger across her soft, pampered skin or leaned a little too close for comfort, and he'd watched each stifle her own flare of temper and bend herself to his will.
They were proud and haughty,”

When we got all this judgment from him, paired with his deplorable treatment of our lovely princesses, I was eager to see how he would respond to our grot FL. Obviously - with the power of FL magic - he was utterly enthralled, rather than disgusted, by her complete lack of decorum and intelligence.

And... it was at this point that I gave up. I admit it, I skipped through the book.

This was gross. I did not like it.




This book described in three words: ACOTAR, furry, and weather.