The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity

This is a fascinating look at a topic that—while prevalent across time, cultures, and sexualities—is rarely depicted with nuance. Perel has nuance aplenty.

She starts by exploring how contemporary technology and cultural mores have morphed infidelity into a crisis of self-worth. Perel discusses entitlement, individualism, consumerism, the sexual revolution, and divorce laws, to name a (not so) few.

Perel also challenges us to think more critically and compassionately about those who cheat and those who stay after being cheated on. She reminds us that vows do not remove autonomy—nothing we do guarantees a partner's behavior. She reminds us, too, that infidelity is not the only form of marital betrayal.

One contention: while expansive, I think this is marketed as larger in scope than it is. Almost all of the examples are set in the global North. Most mentions of other cultures are for contrast. Don't get me wrong; there is a wealth of information. But don't go in expecting global or historical context.

If you have knee-jerk feelings about cheating, but have never really thought about its complex realities (like me when I picked this up), I'd recommend this. Perel provides a lot of insight into a common issue routinely boxed in by absolutes.