The Sparrow

Ayyy ayyy. Why didn't anyone warn me.

This was basically pulpy Catholic schoolgirl hurt/comfort fanfiction. In spaaace. Look, if I want to read about sexy Latino space priests being made to suffer... and suffer.... and suffer... then I already have one, and that is Dan Simmons's Father Federico de Soya who, iirc, is literally turned into a meat smoothie and then magically reconstituted using his magical space crucifix every time he makes a jump into hyperspace.

I say this also as a former Catholic schoolgirl who read and wrote her fair share of ridiculously over-the-top, angsty, hurt/comfort fanfic about various priestly studs. I feel like I've grown out of that though (I mean, I do hope I have), and so I spent much of this book just groaning and rolling my eyes and going, “oh GAWD stahpppp about Emilio Sandoz's hair [SO MUCH ABOUT HIS HAIR FALLING INTO HIS EYES], his eyes, his sexy chest” blah blah blah. But I feel like I can recognize a fellow traveler when I see one. And this book was just waaaaay too invested in Sandoz's (a) sexiness and (b) suffering. It was also EXTREMELY Catholic - to the point of it should be advertised as Christian fiction? - and also, oh, so dated, so 1990s. Like, come on: people in 2019 are not still quoting commercial jingles from the 1980s.

So many things that were just absurd.
- First, I kinda got into the characterizations at first - I did like Anne Edwards (Ann? I listened to this on audiobook, so forgive my spellings). But then I noticed that they all... sounded the same? And while I did enjoy some of the dad joke bantering, I did eventually tire of it. Like, maybe this is the Platonic ideal of salt o' the Earth humanity in Russell's mind, but I just found everyone kinda provincial and similar and nerdy? Some of the jokes were real groan-inducing. And to have the aliens ENJOY THESE JOKES TOO? I was like, Gawd, please.
- Second, the Big Reveal. I will not spoil it, but it seemed so terribly unrealistic. Like, when they find an emaciated, clearly-tortured Sandoz in some space prison whorehouse, their first instinct is to think... that he willingly became a space prostitute??!! Uh, what? So when Sandoz has his big Good Will Hunting-esque therapy breakthrough that he was instead repeatedly raped, and all the other Jesuit priests are Pikachu face shocked and sobbing, I was like, AND THIS IS A SURPRISE?!
- Third, they plant a garden? On a random alien planet? Has Russell traveled internationally, cuz like even most airport Customs + Immigrations will tackle you if you try to walk in with an apple!? Also, they just eat random space vegetables (AND MEAT)? Apparently none of these characters have heard of the Columbian exchange? Honestly, the book jumped the shark for me when the Jesuit mission was put together, because it just strained belief that this group of mediocre-seeming pals would actually ALSO be the ones who (a) hear the SETI signal, and (b) get to go?!

I spent most of the book comparing it unfavorably to Kim Stanley Robinson's Mars trilogy, and Ursula Le Guin's Hainish Cycle, because those authors have tackled many similar themes - first contact, other cultures, space anthropology - but, like, with way more believability and intelligence? This just seemed so hokey in comparison! AND PLEASE, NOT ONE MORE SENTENCE ABOUT EMILIO'S EYES OR HAIR.