The Midnight Library

I just started this book today and, now, 10% in, I'm going to DNF it. Because BOY DO I HAVE THOUGHTS. This book is predicated on a premise that is, apparently, a huge philosophical trigger for me.

OK, so the basic premise is: we meet Nora, a depressed 35-year-old English lady who is full of regrets. REGRETS, DID YOU HEAR ME. If you remember from the book description, this book is a pop treatment of Borges's library of Babel. That is: Nora is given, early on and after an attempted suicide, the option to “redo” her life - undoing a single regret (and she has many!) and letting the “better option” play out.

OK! So! The basic idea here is the freedom of free will. But I simply just do not buy this! Indeed I found it stifling! Suffocating! This is so deeply, aggressively alien to my core philosophical belief and existential feeling that I simply must take to Goodreads to vent:

The idea of “having regrets” and being weighed down by them is, of course, a very common feeling. And indeed a big symptom/characteristic of depression. But it's founded on a cognitive error! “Having regrets” is a kind of perfectionism - as if every past choice had a “right” or “wrong” choice and, poor Nora, she just picked all the wrong choices. But... like... what?! Sometimes both choices can be wrong! Or right! Furthermore, Nora's “regrets” seem to often derive from (1) she didn't want to do it in the moment (e.g. being a high-performing athlete under massive pressure), or (2) she was afraid to do it, even though she wanted to (marrying that guy). Surely (1) is allowed? Why regret not doing a thing you didn't want to do at the time anyway? You're still you?? Jeez, let youself be you! I sometimes regret not doing a comp sci undergrad degree... but hey, I did econ, which I love with all my heart. I just also love comp sci! Yes, there's not enough time in the day, not enough years in a life, to do it all, but that's quite distinct from “oh shit I made a mistake and now I'm in shitty life version B”.

On (2), sure, it sucks to have let fears, anxieties and our “lesser angels” guide our hand but - jeez - have some latitude. Beating yourself up for not making the so-called “best” decision every time is just perfectionism! Where's your self-compassion? Ay ay ay.

Honestly, I think I'm just deterministic. I did what I did cuz I did it and I'm me and the universe is the universe. There is no alternative? Or maybe - if there is an alternative (since I also believe in the multiple worlds theory, probabilistic universes, God playing dice etc.) - who knows if it'd be better or worse. Like that TNG episode where Picard lives a total domestic life on some planet playing the flute. What a mindfuck, eh. But just that! A mindfuck! Nothing more. No depression-infused moralizing about which one was better. Starship captain, or flute-playing stay-at-home dad? Both have pros and cons!

In addition to being a boring determinist, I'm also a Buddhist - aka, life is suffering. Make the best of this shit! As the Germans say, das Leben ist kein Ponyhof. Life is not a pony... stable? Pony ride? PONIES ARE A PRIVILEGE, NOT A RIGHT. (As I scream to my children.) I'm glad Nora was on antidepressants. Maybe she needed regular therapy too! Bedford sounds fine, stop knocking small towns! Arghhh THIS IS ALL SO BASIC.

Oh yeah, on the subject of kids: I know Matt Haig was just framing this all as relatable to a certain midlife, WEIRD (Western educated etc etc) set, and hey - I did appreciate the Fleetwood Mac poster - but I also found it stifling and conservative and BASIC (in its mindset) and bleghhhh.

OK, vent complete. DNF!

(Side note but Carey Mulligan did the audiobook narration and gosh, she's just so cute.)