The House of My Mother

Many of my friends are unfortunately aware of my insufferable special interests in family vlogging, patriarchal purity culture, exploitative cults, and any combination thereof. Having been raised Mormon, I am especially fascinated by how Mormon women seem to dominate this niche of social media, from the early blogging days, to YouTube and TikTok family dynasties.

Because of who I am, I knew who the 8 Passengers family was years before headlines broke about Ruby Franke's arrest. Here, Ruby's eldest daughter Shari recounts what life was like before Jodi Hildebrant's Connexions, before YouTube cameras were rolling.

Shari paints a searing picture. Ruby strongly internalized the idea that her divine role and purpose was motherhood, above all else. She attended college to find a husband, and after she and Kevin met, quickly became engaged and left without finishing her degree, to get on with it.

This tunnel vision did not seem to leave wiggle room for her to think through whether this was something she wanted for herself, or even what her life could include alongside parenting. Perhaps belief in this inescapable mandate caused Ruby to feel disempowered, or even resentment.

Regardless, motherhood became a vehicle for unilateral authority over the home and family, where affection, food, and flexibility were withheld in favor of obedience and fear. No one's pain or tears were valid except for Ruby's, no matter how young a child was, no matter how small the infraction, no matter how basic a need was failing to be met.

Shari talks a lot about trauma and the fawn response, and how many different trusted people and institutions failed her and her siblings. During their YouTube heydays, fans viewed Shari as a goody two shoes snitch, often in contrast with her brother Chad. In this book we see how she compensated for turmoil at home by losing herself in her studies, and all the times she rebelled, whether by downloading Snapchat, kissing a boy, or trying desperately to engage with her stonewalling brother and father after Ruby had fractured the family.

It's clear Shari has put in tremendous work and exercised huge amounts of strength and courage to save her siblings from the wreckage. I am a little hung up on two things, however. First, her portrayal of Kevin. I recently struggled with this in [b:The Sound of Gravel|25332115|The Sound of Gravel|Ruth Wariner|https://i.gr-assets.com/images/S/compressed.photo.goodreads.com/books/1436200674l/25332115._SY75_.jpg|45067930], too — a memoir author's sympathy towards the less abusive parent bothers me after a certain point. Shari knows Kevin better than me, obviously, but I really felt she glossed over the amount he either overlooked or actively participated in for her entire life. It was also strange how Kevin was described as both a steady protector and as someone victimized by Scary Lesbians who pulled the wool over his eyes. Of course, people contain multitudes, and men can be victims of spousal abuse, too. But I don't know, her criticism of him was diluted by this underlying belief in his core goodness. It was weird.Second, Derek. Given the (non-)response of law enforcement and government agencies, and the esoteric nature of the Mormon faith, I cannot fault Shari for turning to men in her church for support and guidance. Still, I can and do fault those men. I fault them so much dude. Derek, a despicable little cretin, for isolating, stalking, and sexually abusing a girl decades younger than him, as she walked through hell. And all the bishops and stake presidents with (presumably) zero education and credentials, whose abject failure to grasp the basics of power dynamics, consent, and rape culture led to victim blaming, false equivalences, and cover-ups. Shari viewing herself as a homewrecker when Derek belongs in jail, and he didn't even lose his Temple Recommend. I am absolutely begging people to stop looking to church leaders to hold their own accountable, let alone involve the state when actual crimes are occurring. The consequences are disastrous. I think this is a more extreme example of Shari's inherent trust in male authority figures to, on average, change and do right by her compared to women. And when they fail, they're really sorry about it and they tried. I get the need to cling to your faith when life is going comically, horrifically wrong, believe me I do. Still, as much as Shari unpacked other relationships and responses, it would have been nice to see a little more scrutiny of that aspect. Or to read that someone killed Derek with their bare hands or something. Either/or.

I would recommend this book to fans of [b:I'm Glad My Mom Died|59366244|I'm Glad My Mom Died|Jennette McCurdy|https://i.gr-assets.com/images/S/compressed.photo.goodreads.com/books/1649228846l/59366244.SY75.jpg|93537110], [b:Counting the Cost|167770288|Counting the Cost|Jill Duggar|https://i.gr-assets.com/images/S/compressed.photo.goodreads.com/books/1685444305l/167770288.SY75.jpg|177528454], and [b:Becoming Free Indeed|62837289|Becoming Free Indeed My Story of Disentangling Faith from Fear|Jinger Duggar Vuolo|https://i.gr-assets.com/images/S/compressed.photo.goodreads.com/books/1670269414l/62837289.SX50.jpg|98618596]. I hope Shari and her siblings can find privacy and peace in the coming years, and that Ruby and Jodi get nowhere near them ever again.