The Five Invitations
Discovering What Death Can Teach Us About Living Fully
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Death is not waiting for us at the end of a long road. Death is always with us, in the marrow of every passing moment, a secret teacher hiding in plain sight, helping us to discover what matters most in life. So begins Frank Ostaseski's stirring book, The Five Invitations, an exhilarating meditation on the meaning of life and how maintaining an ever-present awareness of death can bring us closer to our truest selves. In his thirty-plus years as a companion to the dying, Frank Ostaseski has sat on the precipice of death with more than a thousand people. A renowned teacher of compassionate care-giving, Ostaseski has distilled the lessons gleaned over the course of his career into a powerful and inspiring exploration of the essential wisdom dying has to impart to all of us about how to forge rich and meaningful lives. The 'Five Invitations' - Welcome Everything, Push Away Nothing; Bring Your Whole Self to the Experience; Don't Wait; Find a Place of Rest in the Middle of Things; and Cultivate a Don't Know Mind - show how death can be the guide we need to wake up fully to our lives. This stunning, unforgettable book offers a radical path to transformation.
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This book is phenomenal on multiple levels. I might go as far as saying if I could only have one book, I'd take this one. It's certainly up there. I'm sure I'll revisit and reference it many times.
On the surface, The Five Invitations is a book describing how to support those who are grieving or dying, and how to grieve yourself. As a hospice founder, Frank Ostaseski sat with over 1000 people as they died, and supported thousands more loved ones in grieving. He tells many stories of those who have died, their feelings, what the process looked like, and lends his experience and wisdom on how to best approach these situations. There's no secret or formula, as individuals and circumstances are so different. He gets exceptionally detailed with the examples; no nuance is missed. I learned a LOT here and found it to be very practical, lots of skills to learn in supporting people.
Under the surface, The Five Invitations delivers a huge amount more value. Frank himself is an inspiration. His patience, kindness, and intellect are remarkable. As you progress through the book he gradually reveals a number of horrific experiences he went through in his own life, and how he dealt with them. Some of the thought processes he developed around forgiveness, compassion and letting go of anger were, for me at least, world-view changing. e.g. it being in your self-interest to forgive, to release the mental burden.
This book isn't just about death and grieving, it's about how to be present, supportive and loving in any challenging life event for someone. It's about how to approach adversity, and how to mentally and emotionally process extremely difficult events. It's about how to live your life with impermanence in mind—knowing that you will die in the future, as will all of your loved ones.
Frank's approach is rooted in Buddhism, quoting Pema Chodron, Thich Nhat Hanh The Dali Llama and other Buddhist teachers throughout the book. One of the things I love most about The Five Invitations is that it's filled with detailed, real-life, applied examples of Buddhist concepts. The examples in typical Buddhist books aren't nearly as gritty and real-life as those in The Five Invitations. Frank isn't perfect, he's doing the best he can, and I found the journey of his own improvement in supporting himself and others to be authentic and remarkable. This book pairs wonderfully with Bhuddist writing on impermanence, e.g. from Pema Chodron or Thich Nhat Hanh.
There are nothing like stories of people in hospice to both touch your heart and motivate your inner seize-the-day. Ostaseski is refreshingly frank about his experiences as a caregiver at the Zen Hospice Project. I loved the stories. Carpe diem!
