The Fault in Our Stars

** it breaks my heart. okay? okay. **

I still remember the first time I read this book. It was a birthday gift, I was 17. In the middle of the most stressful summer, the summer before our JEE exams (Indian kids, can I get an amen?) my friend gifted me this. The first page is signed by all the kids in my class, wishing my a very happy birthday and on the last page is a message from my friend, right next to a beautiful doodle she made. This book is a bulky memory. The doodles and the wishes summarise my two years of senior secondary school. So when I picked this up in the middle of feeling lost and anxious (queue: the pandemic), I was transported back not only in the familiar story of the characters but also back to a much simpler and carefree time.

A lot has changed since the first time I read the book. For starters, I am not longer best buds with the woman who gifted me the book. I have read far more John Green and I don't have the optimism and the enthusiasm of my 17 y/o self. When I first read it, I loved Augustus' character. I wanted to be him; always the bright side, always high energy, always carpet diem-ing. But 6 years on, I am more Hazel. Pragmatic, cynical, and still low-key hoping for a love story. My favorite bits from the book have changed. I longer like the poetry bits (17 y/o Sneha was way more pretentious than the 23 y/o ).

What has not changed is the bittersweet cry at the end. I still enjoy the picture of Amsterdam that Green painted for me. I still think kissing in Anne Frank's house is rude. I still find comfort and bizarre solace in this book. Amidst my perpetual state of overwhelm, I paused and tried to empathize with these fictional characters rather than worrying for me, and that felt nice. I still relate with Holden Caulfield (from The Catcher in the Rye)when he said, “... a book that, when you're all done reading it, you wish the author that wrote it was a terrific friend of yours and you could call him up on the phone whenever you felt like it”. J.Green, can I have your number? I promise to not call in the middle of the night.