The Bedroom Secrets of the Master Chefs

This is a bit of a dilemma. The truth is that this novel has far too many faults, but to be honest? I could not put it down.

We get a Dorian Grey style motif that is so ham fisted and at 430 pages far too long. I suspect that if this was a first draft manuscript from an unknown, a publisher would have either rejected it or at least said “yes great idea but let's get the editor to work on it.” When you are Irvine Welsh whose previous 5 novels are bestsellers, would the publisher be game to say anything? I don't know as I am not in the industry, others can tell me.

Typical of an Irvine novel, it is phenomenally sweary. The Scots at a working class level do swear a lot and to put it into print like this does not worry me so much, but at times it kind of seemed never ending. On the other hand, so what! Danny Skinner, the main protagonist, would say and did say as much in one scene. He was in San Francisco and was pulled up for using the C word and was mildly amused that they were all aghast at his language but seemingly had no issue with the ease of purchase of weaponry and the daily death that went with it.

Good-looking, literate, suave when he wanted to be, king of the kids Danny actually somehow puts a hex on a lad he takes an instant dislike for, computer game nerd and goofy Brian Kibby, and Danny can do what he likes with fighting, eating and drinking to excess and Brian suffers all the consequences to a body that is not made for the damage it receives via the hex. At one point Danny is raped at a drug fuelled orgy by another male and Brian suffers from a druggred and drunken hangover of giant proportions and also a bleeding bum. Brian's life was permanent pain, breakdown and hangover, such was Danny's debauched excess. That is until Danny realises he might be killing the goose that laid the golden egg as to his most enjoyable life of hedonism and that changes were needed.

But I just laughed out loud too often at some of the comedy, if that was what it was meant to be. There was a murder death scene that involved necrophilia that I found really amusing. Some of the characters are caricatures to the point of being so black and satirical that I enjoyed them for their sordid ways. There is a sex scene of grotesqueness that had me laughing and squirming all at the same time, but such was its pointlessness and uselessness to the entire plot I have no idea why it was even being in the tale told. Arrrggh the horror!

This is not that good a book; it is too long, at times haphazard as there were pointless events that could have been culled and some of the plot a bit obvious but........I just could not stop reading it. I don't get that.