Never Split the Difference

While this book is categorized in business and personal development I still think it would be helpful to point out its primary conflict like I would with a work of fiction. The primary conflict in this book isn't you versus your negotiating partner - it's your own fight-or-flight response to a conflict versus the mindset that can actually get you to a win in that conflict.

Among the techniques that help us develop a better mastery of our own perspective, the primary tool is “tactical empathy”. Tactical empathy is the idea, or paradigm if you like, that drives the use of the other tools. From this place of being in conflict with another person (a negotiation) we must take on a posture of curiosity, never assuming we have all the details, and remain attentive to everything our counterpart is communicating. There's more I could say about how to listen actively, observing verbal/nonverbal queues, and all that, but if you want to know more about that just read the book.

I really appreciated how this approach to emotional intelligence uses openness and curiosity as tools and not ends in themselves. For example, Voss advocates against the popular focus on finding “win/win” solutions. Most people want to avoid conflict at all costs and that motivation leads them to approach negotiations by first lowering their standards. They define a “win” as merely getting the least of what they wanted because they falsely assume that has the highest likelihood of success. He dubs these, “wimp-win deals” because what they've effectively done is negotiate themselves into accepting a draw as a win, which is lame. Instead, we should clarify what we actually want and remain committed to that definition. Clear on our objective we then dialogue with an almost insatiable curiosity as to what the other person is thinking & feeling - tactical empathy. Our openness and curiosity are grounded on what actually constitutes success.