Listen Like You Mean It

This book sounded like it would be helpful with meeting my goal of becoming a better listener this year.

It was.

Here are some of my notes.

At a time when our relationships are increasingly mediated through devices that lack the warmth and honesty of a face-to-face interaction; when we are moving farther from home, and more frequently; when our social ties are weaker, our anxiety levels higher, and loneliness is on the rise; in a culture of self-promotion, overwork, and political and racial divisiveness; and in the midst of unexpected global crises that keep us not just culturally but physically far apart from each other, we need to feel connected more than ever—and listening provides a way forward.

Vengoechea, Ximena. Listen Like You Mean It (pp. xiii-xiv). Penguin Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.

form, I began to observe what made others around me effective listeners. These individuals seemed to have many of the qualities we researchers are trained in: curiosity, empathy, and the ability to ask thoughtful questions.

Vengoechea, Ximena. Listen Like You Mean It (p. xv). Penguin Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.

We often stop listening because we think we know what the other person is going to say...because we have an informed opinion about how they will respond...or because we have an idea of how we think they should respond...Sometimes we even assume our own experience is the same as others, and expect others will respond like we would....

Vengoechea, Ximena. Listen Like You Mean It (p. 5). Penguin Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.

One of the most common—and easiest—listening mistakes we can make in surface listening mode is to project our own feelings, ideas, or experiences onto others.

Vengoechea, Ximena. Listen Like You Mean It (p. 7). Penguin Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.

Surface listening can also include behaviors like multitasking, interrupting others, mentally checking out, or continually bringing a conversation back to what we want to talk about.

Vengoechea, Ximena. Listen Like You Mean It (p. 7). Penguin Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.

When we listen with empathy, our conversation partner should feel not just comfortable but seen and known in some way. We do this by listening not just for what is said but also for what is meant—and then going deeper still to understand what is felt.

Vengoechea, Ximena. Listen Like You Mean It (pp. 8-9). Penguin Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.

I tell my participants I am like “neutral Switzerland”—I will pass no judgment on their opinion or perspective; I want to hear it all. “You cannot hurt my feelings,” I say, before inviting them to share with me the good, the bad, and the ugly. I also admit that I do not have all the answers and that I am ready to be wrong.

Vengoechea, Ximena. Listen Like You Mean It (p. 15). Penguin Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.

Getting curious means being open to learning more about a topic, idea, or person—even if it does not initially pique our interest.

Vengoechea, Ximena. Listen Like You Mean It (p. 18). Penguin Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.

It turns out humans can be over threshold, too: certain conditions can throw us off our game and make it harder to stay present and have the productive, empathetic conversations we seek.

Vengoechea, Ximena. Listen Like You Mean It (p. 39). Penguin Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.