How to Be a Footballer
Ratings6
Average rating3.6
'Very funny on almost every page, wonderfully self-deprecating and very sharp on the ludicrous behaviour of the modern player' - Sunday Times 'The funniest man in British sport' - Metro **A Sunday Times Sports Book of the Year** **Shortlisted for the National Book Awards** **Longlisted for the Telegraph Sports Book Awards Autobiography of the Year** You become a footballer because you love football. And then you are a footballer, and you're suddenly in the strangest, most baffling world of all. A world where one team-mate comes to training in a bright red suit with matching top-hat, cane and glasses, without any actual glass in them, and another has so many sports cars they forget they have left a Porsche at the train station. Even when their surname is incorporated in the registration plate. So walk with me into the dressing-room, to find out which players refuse to touch a football before a game, to discover why a load of millionaires never have any shower-gel, and to hear what Cristiano Ronaldo says when he looks at himself in the mirror. We will go into post-match interviews, make fools of ourselves on social media and try to ensure that we never again pay £250 for a haircut that should have cost a tenner. We'll be coached and cajoled by Harry Redknapp, upset Rafa Benitez and be soothed by the sound of an accordion played by Sven-Goran Eriksson's assistant Tord Grip. There will be some very bad music and some very bad decisions. I am Peter Crouch. This is How To Be A Footballer. Shall we?
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** literally woke up at 5.30 AM for a week to read this without being judged for constant giggling and boy was it worth it **
You know what I love? Benedict Cumberbatch, yes. But also, books that make a claim, deliver on that and go above and beyond. Peter Crouch's How to be a Football is blockbuster entertainment. It's hilarious without trying hard. Dishing out spicy gossip without ever being mean, spilling the tea without feeling like a TMZ paparazzi. All the while staying true to his skills and love for the game.
It's not your average, borderline narcissistic footballing autobiography. It's heartfelt with stories from his youth club; covering the stories of him being signed for the first time, being let go by another club, dealing with the imposter syndrome of not being good enough and having dry spells of not scoring (goals, not girls or as Crouchy would say “If I wasn't a footballer, I'd be a virgin.)
His writing is so effortless and almost like a seasoned professional (making me wonder if he got any help). He is known for his humour and always seen as someone who doesn't take himself too seriously. He calls out some of the ridiculous attitudes and actions of footballer while also reminding the readers what the sport is truly about. I personally felt that he hit the balance between personal anecdotes through behind the scene and autobiography through factual accounts really well.
It took me mere two pages to feel connected and to feel like he is my bestie (heck, I even DMed him on Instagram like we play 5-a-side on the weekend). What an entertaining work, I am already ready with I, Robot part 2 of how to be a footballer.
Crouchy you're a beaut.
P.S. The last chapter is literally the cutest love letter to Steven Gerrard and it's so all kinds of adorable and beautiful. I admire Gerrard for the player he is, Crouchy made me love him for the man he is. Such adorable bromance, I can't even.
note: I woke up early because due to the pandemic, I moved home and it's really annoying to read something funny, have a chuckle and then be asked “what's written, why you laughing” by everyone else at home. Also, waking up early is fun. No? Just me? Cool cool cool.
