Heart Berries

Whoa does this woman have a way with words. I would have been highlighting with reckless abandon except for the fact I read this on Kindle, and tapping sentences to save them just doesn't have the same effect.

That said, this was ... not a difficult read, really, just one that you had to really pay attention to in order to understand what Mailhot was trying to say. She talks to “you” (her eventual husband, Casey) a lot, the timeline jumps all over the place, and she talks a lot about the ghosts that haunt her, and it's easy to get lost. She's had a hard life, but also struggles with thinking that she is too much, that her suffering is not worth what she feels it is, that other people don't value her because she's so irredeemably broken. I don't think that's a self-esteem issue – because she's clearly a talented writer – so much as that her life has crushed and pulverized her such that she feels worthless. That's so hard to read.

3.5 stars

TW: depression, suicidal ideation, sexual assault, pregnancy

Heartbreaking book. I related to so many of her experience that it was hard to read without wondering about my past. The writing was a little too flowery at times but the whole book was a punch to the gut. The only thing that bothered me was the generalizations and negative views of all white people. I understand the perspective but it seemed ultimately hurtful to describe her abusers above all as white men.

WHEW!

I really spent my time reading this one. Exquisite writing.

There is no stone unturned in Mailhot's memoir. She lays it all out there without seeming to take a breath. Her words are poetic, but harsh. She writes like she doesn't give a fuck and it's perfect.

I enjoyed this, until I didn't. I wasn't expecting it to be a heartwarming, fluttery memoir - that's not what I mean by enjoyable. But I felt lost, the voice kept changing, and once I was lost I couldn't find my way back into the flow of reading.

Oof, my heart. HEART BERRIES by Terese Marie Mailhot has this immense power to it. In just 160 pages Mailhot examines her life with a rawness that leaps off the pages. 
 
Content warnings: sexual assault, sexual abuse of a child, suicidal ideation, self harm, PTSD. 
 
I could neatly summarize it as an exploration of Indigenous identity, mental health and mental illness, dating outside of one's race, and complex motherhood but that would be pretty reductionist of me. Mailhot's writing first calls on the trauma of existence, of being an Indigenous person, of being a woman and then what it is to face that trauma and make choices that wind and twist around that trauma. I'm not a parent (by choice) but there are some truly heartbreaking moments when Mailhot talks about her firstborn being taken from her custody on the same day her second child was born. Definitely steel yourself for some tough walks down memory lane. 
 
Most of my reads recently have either been EXTREMELY HARD or lighthearted and fun. This is as you can imagine, one of the former. I've already talked about how paltry my Indigenous reading has been this year, but I also realized one of my gaps is in not having read much Indigenous memoir.

4.5 stars

Gritty, Raw, and Triggering

Poetic short stories/letters about significant periods/experiences in the authors life meant to reveal herself to her children and ex husband.

Author transforms the simplest words in to hard hitting, impactful sentences.

I don't know if there's ever been a book I've hated disliking as much as I hated disliking Heart Berries. This is such an honest, heartrending memoir. Written by a First Peoples woman battling mental illness, it is a very important and unique work. The prose is gorgeous though not always easy to follow: Mailhot takes a stream of conscious approach that may leave a reader feeling disoriented. I think the style works well as it gives the impression of the mental and political struggles Mailhot faces throughout these pages.

For these reasons, Heart Berries is a stellar read. But...

Mailhot has some reason to be angry. I understand. She's been through several toxic relationships and many difficult situations. But her answer is to perpetuate stereotypes and justify her own toxic response. It's all very honest, but it doesn't give me much hope for the future. Though it's beautifully written and very heartfelt on one hand, on the other, Heart Berries is little more than a highly intelligent Fuck Off note. Rather than respond with my own vitriol, I'm just going to stuff it back into the pages of this book and move onto the next.

This book is like reading poetry rather than prose. A deeply moving memoir about mental illness, family, and memory. It was visceral, heartbreaking, and through it all, hopeful.