Get Her Off the Pitch! How sport took over my life

Who recalls this wonderful scene from a Seinfeld episode called The Marine Biologist?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uR2TpnuvwLk


Yep, who wants to have some fun? This was a point that Lynne Truss, an arts journalist, was trying to make throughout this, at times, laugh out loud book. Who wants to have some fun, but in truth is it really that much fun?

Lynne is better known for a book I have never read called Eats, Shoots and Leaves. That tome apparently bemoaned the poor use of punctuation in both the UK and the USA. A title such as Eats, Shoots and Leaves had for me a vision of an Aussie joke about a Wombat. Lynne's title is based on another joke about a panda. It seems that the Eats Shoots and Leaves caused a stir as, according to some, it is a mistake riddled book. Oh well never mind. I may never read it anyway.

The focus of this book is not about wombats or pandas but about 4 years in the life of the author as she was thrust from the more demure world of writing about the arts to the misogynist and macho world of Sports writing. And fun she had; well, kind of.

The book makes a very bright start when she gets to go to the Holyfield Lewis world heavyweight title fight in 1999 that had a result that my very ex (praise be) father-in-law would have called a “stew”. At the press conference prior to the big fight, Lynne comes across the infamous Don King. He dedicates the fight to women, but as usual it is one of his famous throwaway quips that is meaningless and of course quickly disappears. King is at his metaphorical best when comparing the upcoming fight to Kosovo, Bosnia and even Cyrano De Bergerac, among others. Lynne becomes enthralled and gets quickly caught up in the circus of it all. She in fact, dare I say it, becomes rather keen on Lennox Lewis as his physique gets a fair mention. Lynne has a seemingly great time in the insane world of professional boxing. In these early chapters she also shows her literary past by mentioning writers who have covered boxing such as Mailer and Oates just to name a couple. I actually read Mailers The Fight but can hardly recall it.

Lynne's literary past in fact reveals itself constantly throughout. Nigel Williams and Alasdair Gray get a nod. These were new authors for me, and I was immediately onto Goodreads thinking that I should read Wimbledon Poisoner and Lanark. (Yeah right!). Lynne even mentioned John Updike and we had a poem by Macaulay called Horatius because there was a passing resemblance in name with Lance Klusener the South African cricketer. We got James Hamilton-Peterson as well, and even an obscure sports and travel writer by the name of Harry Pearson. At this point I was loving this.

But then Lynne dabbles in soccer/football or “footie” as she likes to call it. Football dominates a fair bit of this book and makes for some interesting reading. She talks about the trials and tribulations of getting copy back to the editors in the days of poor internet etc. Tennis appears and Lynnes gives us her opinion as to the greatness of Andre Agassi. Horse racing gets covered and Golf is high on her agenda as she actually plays and enjoys the game. God forbid! A waste of good walk if ever there was one in my not so humble opinion of this so-called sport. Haha but give here her due she is in fact having FUN playing golf a la Kramer. Her opinions on the misogyny of the sports writer was heavily covered in the golf discussions and made for intriguing reading. She discussed the change in attitude to golf by the fans themselves at events like the Ryder Cup.

Rugby Union get dismissed by Lynne. She is not keen at all. She has no understanding of rules, and when the referees get involved it becomes an even bigger mystery. Lucky Lynne that she has never had to watch and report on my sport, Australian Rules Football! What she would make of that, I shudder to think.

Lynne got to also cover what she called miscellaneous sports. This covered such things as Darts. I happen to have played Darts for nearly 20 years and consider it not only great fun to play, but a great spectacle to watch at professional level. Damn it, lets cut to the chase as they say. Darts is the greatest sport in the existence of the universe. (No discussion will be entered into) She got to report on the BDO world championship and had a great time. She recognised the sheer drama of it and called it “the best gig” she got in 4 years. Nowadays, the money in professional darts is phenomenal, and the top players earn money that their forefathers could only have dreamed of. In fact, anyone bothering to read this review should search out the name Phil Taylor when it comes to professional darts as he is up there with the likes of Ali, Bradman, Nicholas and Jordan for domination of his given sport. He is a living legend in the UK and other sporting professionals of all the various codes all want to know his secret to staying up the top over his long and successful career. ( I once threw an 11 darter in comp. I felt like the greatest human being that had ever lived. I obviously needed to get a life)

Lynne wrote a lot about cricket and I enjoyed her observations immensely. I am a bit of a cricket tragic and was very interested in her thoughts as to its love of its own history as opposed to say Soccer where the history of the game can be a bit of an afterthought. Her point being that football fans tended to forget the past rapidly, whereas cricket had a long history that was revered by the players, the media and especially the fans.

In the end though, as much as I enjoyed this book, I have a serious issue with Lynne's profession. Journalism is, in my opinion, one of the lowest forms of employment and in fact I am of further opinion that the vast majority will prostitute themselves at the behest of their masters. Lynne admitted this over the Beckham send off at the world cup. Lynne claimed to have toned down her report on what to me from afar looked like a rather immature reaction by the great unwashed that in truth was stoked up by the press at the time.

Journalists ultimately are great at stoking the fires, at handing out the brickbats be that to the lowly sports persons through to the power wielding politician and I do not have an issue with that per se. But when they get their own comeuppance, they are the first to scream. Indeed, thin-skinned they are as a profession. And with that, Lynne let herself down very late in the book. She discussed misogyny and the treatment she received at the hands of a specific English sports writer called Brian Granville. Brian Granville is the epitome of the old school reporter that has his “turf” to protect, and woe betide some arts women coming onto said turf. No doubt a pompous buffoon. But I found myself annoyed at Lynne over her suddenly feeling that she had gained a “bit of respect” because she had trashed an England soccer coach. Sorry Lynne, you just became everything you did not like just by accepting that “pat on the back” by one of your colleagues.

Recommended to any who want to read about the hypocrisy of journalists.
Oh! and to those that like a bit of writing about games people play.