For the Love of Men

"For men, accepting directions was proof that the system was broken, which goes against the natural impulses of what being a man means: not to admit confusion or ask questions. It had me wondering...if men can't ask for directions to the closest gas station, then how the hell are they supposed to ask for directions about how to be a man?"

This book is really good, and starts a conversation that most men have either never have or just straight up never even considered. I consider myself a relatively “enlightened” man but there were so many aspects of men's socialization I hadn't ever considered in this book, and lots of data about how the way men are socialized is actually damaging for us and for society as a whole. I'm definitely going to be reading this book again at some point, and I'll be trying to get my friends and family, both men and women, to give it a try in the future.

“Although very little gets universal consensus from academics, they are effectively unanimous that systematically suppressing ones emotions is one of the most damaging experiences for a human being to endure. What the scientific community has labeled as ‘dangerous and unhealthy' is the current model for how we raise boys.”

[Update - 2021-05-24, second reading. Still a jumble of feelings: primarily appreciation for the attention to this topic and hope that this will get broader reading; a good deal of recognition; also a lot of confusion and frustration, at worlds I don't recognize or understand, at my helplessness to fix anything. Ginger made an astute observation: she reminded me of the weirdness I've expressed whenever I visit my office back East. Conversations there are awkward for me, with people talking about the weirdest things as if they were important: cars, drinking, churching, TV sports. And these are educated professionals! I keep forgetting how sheltered and privileged I am to live where I do. So in short, I'm pretty sure this book is spot-on and super-important, I just feel too old and irrelevant to be able to do anything about the problem.]

Plank starts off with a bold assertion: “there is no greater threat to humankind than our current definitions of masculinity”. Me, I think it's Climate Change, but it's impossible to isolate that from other underlying factors (Citizens United, religious fanaticism); plus I'm a big fan of Archimedes's lever and applying one's effort in just the right place. So, okay, I'll bite. Let's hear your case.

Cut to: this morning. Finished the book. Am I convinced? Sorry to disappoint you, dear reader, but I'm going to recuse myself from opining. Because a funny thing happened about a third of the way into the book: I started realizing that I really have no friggin' idea. You know that deep uncomfortable feeling you get when you start understanding what privilege is all about? Not the antihelpful “check your privilege” snark, I mean the moment of insight when you start seeing the world with different eyes. I'm there right now because I have to conclude that I've been privileged: parents, mentors, role models, friends, lovers, all the important people in my life have been decent and kind, have set good examples for me to live up to – so I just thought that was normal. Of course I've heard about “standard” male roles, and violence and ignorance and tiny-handed insecure buffoons threatening human civilization – it was just something that happened to others, out there in barbarian country like Alabama. I'm starting to realize that I'm wrong, and that I've been blind, even deliberately blind which is the unforgivable kind.

There's much in the book I can vouch for: expectations, providing, emotional awareness, shame. I've been incredibly fortunate to recognize those in myself (with help) and be able to work on them (ditto). Which of course brings up the question: what have I not recognized? What have I completely missed? Where can I do better? (I'm going to need more little help from my friends). There's also much that rings true from my experiences with others - mostly with people I need to interact with but who I choose to keep at a distance. And there's a great deal that I simply don't know enough about. I think I need to find out more – I think we all do, and we may need to start finding ways to work on Mindful Masculinity as a lever toward the better world we need. It's probably easier to fix than religion.

Five stars despite the poor editing and proofreading – oh, how that irks me! – and despite Plank's embarrassing defenses of Islam in the final chapters. Five stars because this is a conversation we need to be having, and there's no better time than right now.