Counting the Cost

Jinger walked so Jill could run. Man, was this good. I listened to it while driving and kept making voice memos of my thoughts which was dangerous but also a testament to its hold over me. Strap in for an insufferably long review.

Jill is the second eldest Duggar daughter, though the fourth oldest child. In this book she recounts (heh) her experiences growing up surrounded by IBLP teachings and camera crews. Both were invasive and controlling forces in her life.

I have long been fascinated by the Duggars and the Quiverfull ideology as a whole. The “have as many babies as possible, shelter them as much as possible and train them up as ideological clones who will make as many babies as possible, repeat” strategy reminds me of Patrick Star saying “We should take Bikini Bottom and push it somewhere else.”

A lot of this book felt ambivalent to me, and I have so many thoughts on it. Here they are: How eldest son Josh (who is currently in prison) compensated for his sexual abuse and infidelity by forming a club to boycott a local business selling porn, and later relocating his family to DC to head up a conservative Christian think tank.How Jim Bob and Michelle (the Duggar parents) bent over backwards to shield Josh from the consequences of his actions, while several of their daughters were retraumatized by news leaking about his molestation of them. One crucial example of this was Jim Bob's conduct in court during Josh's trial, which undermined his daughters' lawsuit following their identities being outed as some of Josh's other victims — a process that had already been in the works for several years.The eldest four daughters being expected to fill in every gap. From taking care of their siblings and the home through the Buddy System to doing interviews glossing over what Josh did to carrying a spinoff program after Josh's 86th scandal got 19 Kids and Counting canceled. All while Jim Bob pockets every cent.Bill Gothard (who, like Josh, is a disgraced overcompensating serial sexual abuser) calling families and children a blessing, yet never marrying or having any children of his own. No, all he needed were his “Gothard Girls” — the pretty young blonde women he kept nearby.Not only did he convince people to forego all contraception and family planning, but at conferences he trotted out couples cradling “reversal babies” — infants born to mothers and fathers who reversed surgical procedures like vasectomies and tubal ligations so as to no longer interfere with God's will. Gothard also implored people to trust God over the advice and guidance of doctors following complicated births, like Jill's second. Bold words from a man who could never give birth firsthand, and who didn't have his own wife to endanger with medically dangerous teachings. All of this said, I get why Jim Bob bought into Gothard's worldview so fully. After all, it's easy to see children as a blessing when exploiting yours on film makes you a millionaire. Jill tries to positively spin this, clarifying that “Mom and Dad didn't treat us as slaves; they treated us as coworkers,” as though the latter should be commended.Beyond greed and hypocrisy, I think control was key here. Gothard emphasized that children should obey their parents indefinitely, no matter their age or marital status. For this to work, Jim Bob needed his kids to remain dependent on him, even as he depended on them for the funds he withheld.He isolated them from the outside world, homeschooling them, limiting friendships and media access/use. He stoked fear about everything outside of their little bubble. Older siblings raised younger siblings, and everyone worked long hours filming. As his wealth grew, he started buying nearby properties for his married children to move into, so they would always stay close. Ironically, he bankrolled these big purchases by refusing to pay his kids for the series he forced them to star in, even though their existence is what brought in views. He depended on them to keep them dependent on him, if that makes sense.We know this isn't their choice, because how can someone be asked ahead of time if they're okay having their own birth televised? In fact, Duggar kids and grandkids started working, padding Jim Bob's pockets, the second they were conceived. He justified this by framing it as a family ministry, as a mission God called their family to see through.Speaking of pregnancy and childbirth, Gothard is also passionate about modesty, especially of girls and women. The victim-blaming underpinning this doctrine is predictably widespread. Despite this, Jim Bob sees no issue forcing his wife, daughters, and daughters-in-law to give birth on television. If they express it feeling like an invasion of privacy that exposes their bodies to total strangers, he pushes back.Like Sister Wives, 19 Kids and Counting originated as the attempt of a family adhering to a fringe Christian faith to normalize the way they do life via TLC reality show. Also like Sister Wives, things have since crashed and burned.Even as their goal was to demonstrate a certain lifestyle, the act of filming it obscured how it really was. For example, when they were filmed grocery shopping the crew would pay for the groceries, which allowed the family to buy brand-name items they could never otherwise afford. As the crew was funding purchases and trips that would have been entirely out of reach for the Duggars without TLC footing the bill, episodes would center around the family's thriftiness with food, household items, and clothing, from buying in bulk to hand-me-downs and secondhand shopping.They would present this as a fun yet necessary challenge for the family, never questioning whether Jim Bob and Michelle were being irresponsible or neglectful, a question we're all too eager to ask of people of color who have several children.

There were a few things I didn't care for or about. Jill and Derek's aggressive pursuit of international missionary work while she was either pregnant, looking after her very young child, or both, seemed like a terrible idea to me.

Mainly, though, I wish there had been less of Derek's feelings and more of Jill's (I mean, down to the cover). This is for a few reasons. Jill was born into the family Derek married into. She was filmed for several more years than he was, and felt obligations to her parents and siblings he did not.

Also Derek bullied a trans teenager (Jazz Jennings) on Twitter years ago and has never apologized. It's hard for me to view grown men who publicly lambast children as stand-up guys.

Derek aside (as he should always be), I am proud to witness redemption arcs for people-pleasing goody-two-shoes eldest daughters, like Jill Duggar and Shari Franke.

There is a lot about our parents and ourselves we might not realize until we leave home and there is some distance. I like how Jill observes that when you learn you treat yourself better and stand up for yourself, it becomes easier to treat others better and stand up for them.

It's true that Jill has not changed much in certain ways, and it's true that I hate her husband. Even still, shaking off the fear and boxed-in thinking of your upbringing can be a scary, isolating experience, and doing so as a public figure who was filmed throughout your youth and adolescence comes with so much more baggage and risk. I think it's so brave to do it anyway.